Archive 42

 

Hi friends, and thanks for calling Zioptis Dial-a-Trip.

You know, Valentine's Day can be an annoying holiday. It's another one of those occasions where you don't count unless you're a couple.

But I'll tell 'ya what, even if you're alone on Valentine's Day... if you've got a roof over your head and you're able to call Zioptis and listen to me now, your problems are NOTHING compared to those of Fin-Tin the Dirt-faced Clown! Check this out:

FIN-TIN'S PANCAKE PRINCESS by ZIOPTIS

Fin-Tin's latest girlfriend is not exactly here,

she is a favorite breakfast treat, he calls her Pancake Dear

 

He draws a smile on her face, his pen is maple syrup

but something's wrong, she's not complete, he fashions an eye from a turnip

 

Her makeup's not from Lancome, or even Cover Girl

instead it's Aunt Jemima with a fancy frilly swirl

 

The first time that he met her he was staring at his plate

throwing caution to the wind he asked her for a date

 

But pancakes do not speak, you have to read their mind

don't look now, her soul revealed, beware of what you'll find

 

Her past it is tormented, he tries to understand

what would it take, it would be great, walking hand in hand

 

But pancakes don't have hands, except in Fin-Tin's brain

the waitress there at Denny's, convinced that he's insane

 

But who's to say what's crazy, when a pancake is your beau

it could be worse by only a little, if it were cookie dough

 

Cookie dough is usually, not considered romantic

but Fin-Tin's case is special, a love that's truly tragic

 

He feels as though he's cheating, lusting for the dough

but his passion is blind, they're sure to find a spicy afterglow

 

The cookie dough lights a cigarette, and Fin-Tin sighs in relief

a cross-species genetic nightmare, a life to follow in grief

 

Fin-Tin's private soap opera, a shocking tale to tell

a half an hour of happiness, an eternity of hell!

 

The guilt and all the shame of his deeds invades his mind

his Pancake Princess reveals, a most impressive find

 

That pancakes have a brain, and deep, complex emotions

he threatens if she leaves him now, that he will drink the oceans

 

Accomplishing this feat, is sure to take awhile

she yawns while sipping on her toddy, he should have tried the Nile

 

He finishes his lonely task, his bladder then explodes

she sheds her inhibitions, and tells him "Hit the road!"

 

Rejection is not exactly Fin-Tin's favorite cup of tea

he wallows in his self despair, oh what a sight to see!

 

True beauty is a fleeting thing, it's more than just skin deep

she's bleeding batter, what's the matter, a dirt faced clown now weeps

 

His last remaining friend is his shiny yellow trike

as far as Fin-Tin is concerned, the world can take a hike

 

A hike that takes humanity, beyond the edge of earth

only God is left to witness the Virgin Pancake's birth

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RECYCLE BIN & CONSTRUCTION ZONE

TAYLOR: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XGWlqKpyx-4&t=203s TAYLOR / BTC: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bhjSEkkZ2aA & https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0pdb53L_MpI&t=240s DAVID PAKMAN: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nfg1132q3-0 NBC NEWS: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azBT_MQxkFc ELLEN SHOW: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rPLRA256Rco FOOTBALL FUN: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6dct3ifAl8 MAGA DEATH SPIRAL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BE4dSfcxJ_4

JANUARY 20, 2024 SATURDAY 3 PM - THAT OLD TIME RELIGION

GIMMEE THAT OLD

DECEMBER 17, 2023 SUNDAY 1:30 PM - JUST A REGULAR GIRL

CANDY FISHALOT is jumping out of her skin because TAYLOR SWIFT just appeared on the NFL FOOTBALL GAME now playing on FOX TV.

Taylor is there to root for her boyfriend Travis who plays on the team.

Just when we thought Taylor was going away, and POOF! all of a sudden there she is yet again.

They showed her sitting with others...THE BIGGEST STAR ON THE PLANET...and she’s wearing what looks like plain grey flannel pajamas...very Plain Jane & non exotic like she usually appears.

Candy sez: “Taylor knew they were gonna put her on TV, and she CHOSE the most comfortable thing she had to wear...she’s HER OWN PERSON FIRST just like every girl should be...and that’s why she’s best qualified to be the FIRST QUEEN OF THE USA!!!”

SOCIETY OF SWIFTIES DECLARED NEW POLITICAL PARTY / WILL RE-ORGANIZE GOV’T “ON DAY ONE” & RESTORE LOST FEMALE RIGHTS

QUEEN TAYLOR RULES WITH KINDNESS & WISDOM

ANGRY OLD WHITE MEN DECLARED OBSOLETE BY SWIFTIE ARMY KNIFE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cePuXYo2cd4

BASTARDIZED NOTIONS & THE MEN WHO FACILITATE THEM

VOTE SMART, VOTE SWIFTIE

THE BULLY BIG BROTHER GENE / INSTINCT

We all develop artificially extended families as we go through life. And so it is that TAYLOR SWIFT is declared our new KID SISTER. A big brother protects his kid sister, even if she is a bit of a nerd...

And now some bad men are saying bad things that aren’t true about our kid sister, so we’re calling them out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBXjs8fFb_k

SADISTIC SIDNEY’S BACK ALLEY OF JUVENILE ATROCITIES

under construction

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1o1CK6y5-Kg TAYLOR ARRIVES IN JAPAN Taylor is still just the sweetest, she loves what she does, has a blast, connects with people and lifts up others. So lovely and so rare! TAYLOR DEFENDS FAN FROM OVERZEALOUS SECURITY https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXzAh41bI9Y

Simple statistics are maintained for WWW and FTP activity on your account. Without requiring full log analysis, these numbers can be reviewed to easily spot trends. The graph shown to the left is based on these statistics, and represents your traffic delivered to customers for each of the past 28 days.

Statistics:ツ  ツ 

Date

# Hits

Bytes Transferred

Dec 2, 2023

978

72.83 MB

Dec 3, 2023

653

69.07 MB

Dec 4, 2023

873

61.18 MB

Dec 5, 2023

449

58.69 MB

Dec 6, 2023

752

60.30 MB

Dec 7, 2023

862

91.87 MB

Dec 8, 2023

916

61.80 MB

Dec 9, 2023

544

51.01 MB

Dec 10, 2023

524

54.88 MB

Dec 11, 2023

473

49.84 MB

Dec 12, 2023

474

67.65 MB

Dec 13, 2023

469

49.31 MB

Dec 14, 2023

616

56.18 MB

Dec 15, 2023

557

53.86 MB

Dec 16, 2023

845

56.39 MB

Dec 17, 2023

516

58.80 MB

Dec 18, 2023

747

72.80 MB

Dec 19, 2023

426

50.43 MB

Dec 20, 2023

628

66.63 MB

Dec 21, 2023

535

52.39 MB

Dec 22, 2023

665

65.10 MB

Dec 23, 2023

689

56.57 MB

Dec 24, 2023

576

61.12 MB

Dec 25, 2023

570

57.26 MB

Dec 26, 2023

834

74.59 MB

Dec 27, 2023

325

51.23 MB

Dec 28, 2023

591

58.62 MB

Dec 29, 2023

800

60.61 MB

Dec 30, 2023

1042

58.28 MB

Dec 31, 2023

729

54.78 MB

Total

19658

1.77 GB

Average

655

60.47 MB

Policiesツ ツキ ツ© 1995-2024 Pair Networks, Inc.

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OCTOBER 29, 2023 SUNDAY 2 AM - BETTER LATE THAN NEVER

YAY! My awesome partner finally was able to go haunting, as all good ghouls should be this time of year.

THE SCREAM MACHINE in TAYLOR has upped their game big time with impressive results. The well-oiled machine is equipped to deal with the masses that word-of-mouth advertising has brought to THE SCREAM MACHINE.

Brief pauses between the three sections of the haunt prevent bottlenecking, so nobody misses a gag. Good pacing is a hallmark of World Class Haunts, and THE SCREAM MACHINE NAILS IT HARD.

THE HAUNTED FUNERAL HOME in INKSTER was our next stop. The outdoor sound system and silhouette strobe light scenes in the upstairs windows set the stage for the high-intensity old school madness this haunt is known for.

We had proof they’re on their game the moment we saw the first group exiting the haunt. Any proper funeral home has a Funeral Director and an organ, and THE HAUNTED FUNERAL HOME is no exception.

The Funeral Director will greet you at the entrance, and is appropriately attired in formal wear befitting his title. The new organist will steal your heart away in a flash!

But beware the basement, where untold hideous acts are rumored to have occurred. A strange scent permeated the air, adding to the suspense before...WHAMMO!

Between a late start due to traffic jams and an engaging conversation with THE SCREAM MACHINE, we didn’t have time to also hit HUSH as originally planned. My partner has to work Sunday morning, and needs her beauty-sleep...and to attend to ODIN & POPPY of course.

Our apologies to HUSH for missing them, rats! On the other hand, this means the extra anticipation and delayed gratification will only serve to increase the overall impact when we finally make it to HUSH. We can’t wait...but we have to!

OCTOBER 28, 2023 SATURDAY 7 PM - LIFE IN THE FAST SLOW LANE

My awesome partner just called from her handsfree car phone. What a deal, she’s stuck in stop-and-go traffic...sigh.

On a more cheerful note, the pictures from MANUEL’S TACO HUT in ALLEN PARK are primo and we’ll be sharing them soon.

They went all out, decorating the restaurant to closely resemble a haunted attraction.

On my last visit there, I met the real life kid sister of TINKER BELLA. She looks innocent, but I have my doubts as her name is LIZZIE BORDEN who is famous for being an ax murderer. Having already used all her axes, she used a meat cleaver on poor TINKER BELLA’S head and it’s a bloody mess! Shocking photographic proof will be posted later.

My partner and I will be making a short stop at MANUEL’S first on our journey tonight. If you’re anywhere near ALLEN PARK, you owe it to yourself to have a gourmet restaurant experience you won’t find anywhere else to our knowledge! http://www.manuelstacohut.com/  https://www.facebook.com/ManuelsTacoHut/

OCTOBER 28, 2023 SATURDAY 6 PM - THE SPIRIT OF HALLOWEEN

No, not the store.

It’s the real thing, and the very future of the holiday that we love so much.

Check out this video of a little boy in Detroit, which of course is the BIRTHPLACE OF HAUNTED ATTRACTIONS IN THE USA: https://www.youtube.com/shorts/3UPlPAd-L3U

So you can see -- the future of Halloween is bright, thanks to youngsters like KINGSTON. And here’s yet more evidence that the SPIRIT OF HALLOWEEN is alive and well in Michigan: https://www.youtube.com/shorts/LpfFaz8mFKA https://www.youtube.com/shorts/59dODFtCV_U

OCTOBER 28, 2023 SATURDAY 3 PM - WILD WEEKEND

HALLOWEEN WEEKEND is here! So many incredible shared experiences are happening at every haunt in every state and in CANADA, our neighbors to the north.

We encourage you to support your local, neighborhood haunted attraction!

OCTOBER 28, 2023 SATURDAY 11 AM - WORD ON THE STREETS

We’ve been looking at Facebook reviews for various haunts, let’s check out HUSH:

From Katherine Carte:

Rats! For an unknown reason, when I try to copy & paste anything the program crashes...thank God it comes back but I’m afraid to keep trying...oh BILLY G I miss you so much...damn that COVID-19 that stole him from us.

You don’t need to read all the glowing reviews of HUSH, just GO and you’ll thank us later! :)

OCTOBER 28, 2023 SATURDAY 10 AM - THE POWER OF PROPS

You need great props / animatronics for a well-rounded haunt.

You can’t just throw up a bunch of plastic sheets in a big room, fill it with fog, strobes, and screaming kids and think you’ve got a haunted house.

So where do you get the best props? The good stuff. DISTORTIONS UNLIMITED comes to mind, and of course the SCARE FACTORY in OHIO. Or better yet, go to the TRANSWORLD convention DARK ZONE.

NO WAY - SERIOUSLY?

But hold on. You’re not going to believe who we’re about to suggest you consider for some KILLER LOOKING PROPS. Never mind the name, just watch this and try to ignore the familiar logo! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IFB7LCzu5C0

OCTOBER 28, 2023 SATURDAY 8 AM - ZOMBIE WOOF

BOW WOW! Time to get your dog decked out in his or her Halloween Best, and join the big fun today from 2 - 4 PM at the free HOWL-O-WEEN COSTUME CONTEST in Downtown Detroit: https://downtowndetroit.org/event/howl-o-ween-costume-contest-presented-by-strategic-staffing-solutions/

OCTOBER 28, 2023 SATURDAY 1 AM - SON OF TILLSON STREET REVEALED IN DEARBORN

My partner and I were so stoked -- finally going to HUSH on Friday night! YAY!

BOO HOO. She can’t make it, dad needs her bad...family first.

I was sooo tempted to go without her...but gotta get my haunt on somehow...I’ll just run up to MANUEL’S TACO HUT for a sec...it’s sorta like a haunted attraction.

Ya’ got your LIQUID SKY display with lasers & fog no problem ...strobes...blacklights ...extensive cob webs...cool animatronics...fabulous costumes on employees...oh yeah also DELUXE GOURMET MEXICAN CUISINE of course...YUM!

I’m super glad I went back! The vibe was fabulous, and even better I got a STUNNING light painting image with my trusty NIKON DSLR from their CUSTOM LASER SHOW. There’s at least 2 different shows, one had the PURPLE PEOPLE EATER song, a delightfully wacky tune!

HOT ON THE HEELS OF TILLSON STREET - THE GRINDLEY PARK HAUNT

So then I was wandering around the neighborhood, basking in the glow of yard haunts here and there. At every intersection, I’d look both ways trying to find the most elaborate displays.

Coming up to the main drag Telegraph, I was about to turn around and call it a night...wait a second...HOLY MOLY the whole block is on fire down there! HALLOWEEN has come early, and THE GRINDLEY PARK HAUNT is in full swing.

CBS TV NEWS DETROIT was filming here yesterday, but I don’t see it online yet. But check out this video of it from last year: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQ4-mH5aC9E

OCTOBER 27, 2023 FRIDAY 1 PM - OH NO!

I just talked to my partner, and as I feared dire issues with her dad again prevent us from haunting tonight together.

The plan was tonight was first to get ribs at ZUKIN’S RIB SHACK in LINCOLN PARK which is an annual tradition for us. Then we planned on a short visit to MANUEL’S TACO HUT in ALLEN PARK to absorb their FABULOUS SPOOKY GOODNESS before hitting THE SCREAM MACHINE, HUSH HAUNTED ATTRACTION, and THE HAUNTED FUNERAL HOME...and possibly ELOISE ASYLUM. And then tomorrow, HAUNTED GARAGE PRODUCTIONS and AZRA.

Now it’s all up in the air...

But as I’ve told her many times, you’ll never regret time spent with your dear old dad. The haunts will be there later, but it’s up to God how long your dad remains on earth. ):

OCTOBER 27, 2023 FRIDAY 12:30 PM - FUN FOR LITTLE GOBLINS

Here’s an event that’s a SURE WINNER for the little goblins in your life, and the setting is positively exquisite!

It’s at the ELEANOR AND EDSEL FORD HOUSE in GROSSE POINTE SHORES, and takes place tomorrow. https://www.fordhouse.org/

Also in the area is the fabulous HAUNTED GARAGE PRODUCTIONS in GROSSE POINTE FARMS which we’ve raved about for good reason. https://hauntedgarageproductions.org/

And don’t forget that AZRA CHAMBER OF HORRORS HAUNTED HOUSE in MADISON HEIGHTS is only 10-15 minutes away from HAUNTED GARAGE PRODUCTIONS. https://azrahaunt.com/

As previously reported in EREBUS PASSES THE TORCH TO AZRA, AZRA made the cut in the annual USA TODAY TOP 10 HAUNTS list coming in at #3!

HAUNTED GARAGE & AZRA are both top-notch haunts!

OCTOBER 27, 2023 FRIDAY 3 AM - NEW HIT LIST ADDED

52,703 hits during the last period detailed here: http://www.zioptis.com/html/archive_33.shtml

OCTOBER 27, 2023 FRIDAY 2 AM - PIONEERS OF THE LOWEST TECHNOLOGY

Once upon a time, haunted attractions used ordinary flash lights because XENON FLASH TUBE STROBES, LASERS, MOONFLOWERS and such were many moons away.

THE JAYCEE’S created the very first haunted attraction in the USA in 1966, MUTILATION MANSION in Detroit suburb Madison Heights.

They threw a few semi tractor trailers together, and painted spooky stuff on them as best they could.

Soon enough, it became the stuff of legends and “The Telephone Game” principle kicked in big time where a repeated story keeps changing and takes on a life of its’ own. School chatter ensued like “Did you hear about Billy & Susie? Billy took her to MUTILATION MANSION and Susie peed her pants, and then they made out in the parking lot!”

ENGINEERS OF THE ENLIGHTENED SPELL

Later, ANXIETY ALLEY in LINCOLN PARK hit the scene at the Lincoln Park Community Center, pouring gas on the fire that was quickly building with no signs of letting up. It too was a trailer haunt, but nobody cared as elaborate haunts like THE REALM OF DARKNESS and EREBUS were still many moons away...

Then came more trailer haunts -- REAPER’S DUNGEON in LIVONIA, LEO’S HOUSE OF HORRORS in RIVERVIEW, PAPP PARK in TAYLOR, ALLEN PARK JAYCEE’S in ALLEN PARK, DEARBORN JAYCEE’S in DEARBORN, WESTLAND JAYCEE’S in WESTLAND and TUNNEL OF TERROR in ROCHESTER.

WIELDER OF THE TRUE MACHINE

But the GRANDDADDY of trailer haunts had to be, and still is actually, HAUNTED GALLERY in PONTIAC originally. The concept is brilliant -- a trailer haunt that doesn’t look or feel like a trailer haunt. Many of you already know the rest of the story, but the best part is that this amazing trailer haunt is still in operation to this day! It’s now at SCAREFEST SCREAM PARK in LENOX TWP. with a new name of CASTLE OF THE DEAD.

WE ARE THE DEAD ARISING - OLD SCHOOL IN YOUR FACE

Now that all the OLD SCHOOL TRAILER HAUNTS (except CASTLE OF THE DEAD) are gone, where can you go to experience that good ole time religion cuz it’s good enough for me?

That’s a no-brainer: THE HAUNTED FUNERAL HOME in INKSTER is the most authentic old school haunt that we know of. https://www.facebook.com/p/The-Haunted-Funeral-Home-100063544121410/

Let’s take a look at some FACEBOOK REVIEWS for THE HAUNTED FUNERAL HOME:

From Iesha Spencer: I was terrified still shaking

From Sheila Ann McCauley: Best Haunt hands down! It may be small and short but it’s well worth it!!!

From Tina Kelly: My family & I was there yesterday.Y’all gave us a good scare! Thank you

From Sheila Ann McCauley: I love this place!!! It may be a small and short haunted attraction but it’s definitely well worth it!!!!

From Amy Russeau: We went to 4 haunted houses (Eloise, Hush & some other one) last year and this one was the best!

From Tyler Arum Vosgerchian: way scarier than anything Alice Cooper could cook up

From Rhonda Pitts: Nope these funeral homes be keeping real bodies

From MsDrea Gordon: hope I pass out and they gotta drive us home in a hurst!!! need the excitement

Okay, everyone is entitled to their opinion free speech and all...and some of these may seem rather extreme. For example, Amy who says out of 4 haunts including HUSH, ELOISE and “some other one” THE HAUNTED FUNERAL HOME is the best.

As we’ve said, we shy away from saying any haunt is better than another. But every person’s opinion is valid, and for Amy she got the most powerful experience at “The Little Engine That Could.”

We’ve been to this haunt many times and YES they deliver an off-the-hook high intensity / energy  show. But it’s low-tech too, which for them is actually a plus.

The place really was a funeral home! We love the old electronic organ, and the “maestro” who is playing it.

Don’t go here expecting anything at all like HUSH or ELOISE.

That would be like ordering fish at the restaurant, and then being disappointed it doesn’t taste like spaghetti. It’s not apples and apples, or apples and oranges.

One thing about THE HAUNTED FUNERAL HOME will be a hit with the gals in your group. The outdoor bathroom is a quantum leap above the typical PORTA-JOHNS you’ll find at most haunts, and there’s a snack bar with hot food & drinks too.

This is the smallest haunt in Michigan to our knowledge. But it’s perfect just as is -- small but mighty!

OCTOBER 26, 2023 THURSDAY 3 PM - NO TIME LIKE THE PRESENT

No need to wait for the weekend, as many haunts are open tonight!

AVOID FUTURE DISAPPOINTMENT & REGRET - GO HAUNTING TONIGHT!

Haunts open tonight include: ABANDONED ACRES FARM HAUNTED ATTRACTION in GRAND RAPIDS, AWAKEN* in LESLIE, AZRA CHAMBER OF HORRORS HAUNTED HOUSE in MADISON HEIGHTS, ELOISE ASYLUM in WESTLAND, EREBUS in PONTIAC, GLENLORE TRAILS in HOLLY, HUSH HAUNTED ATTRACTION in WESTLAND, JACKSON’S UNDERWORLD in JACKSON, THE HAUNT in GRAND RAPIDS, ROTTEN MANOR in HOLLY TERRORFIED FOREST in PINCKNEY, and THE SCREAM MACHINE in TAYLOR.

* = AWAKEN is on TOTAL BLACKOUT tonight Oct. 26, 2023

OCTOBER 26, 2023 THURSDAY 2:30 PM - MAKING LEMONADE

When life hands you a bunch of sour lemons, what do you do? Make lemonade of course.

We previously reported that THEATRE OF THE BIZARRE is on forced hiatus this year, due to scheduling problems at Masonic Temple.

But as just reported by Dearborn’s own KIM DeGIULIO on WDIV TV-4 local news, THEATRE OF THE BIZARRE has teamed up with the DETROIT BUS COMPANY this year for an alternate event starting tonight!  https://www.clickondetroit.com/entertainment/2023/10/26/detroit-bus-company-teams-up-with-theatre-bizarre-for-halloween-tour/

 

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OCTOBER 26, 2023 THURSDAY 2 PM - VISIONS OF THE EMERALD BEYOND

No, not the album by MAHAVISHNU ORCHESTRA.

It’s the photos we posted of HUSH from last year: https://www.flickr.com/photos/45316911@N03/

The makeup is fabulous, and you can see why HUSH, along with TERRORFIED FOREST previously won the ZIOPTIS BEST MAKEUP / COSTUMES AWARD!

OCTOBER 26, 2023 THURSDAY 1 PM - EREBUS PASSES THE TORCH TO AZRA

Last night I saw the last bit of the local evening news on WWJ-TV 62 CBS. They were finishing a segment about AZRA CHAMBER OF HORRORS HAUNTED HOUSE in MADISON HEIGHTS, and it looked cool.

GOING THE EXTRA MILE

They’d sent their Weatherman through the haunt, and he was a perfect victim. He made a comment that he was taunted by a monster who asked, “Whaddaya think you’re doin’ WEATHER GUY?

The rest of the news crew laughed, and that was the end of the segment.

We love that AZRA used custom taunting, addressing a specific haunter by name. This takes extra effort, and can be a challenge when the queue line is backed up and hundreds if not thousands of people go through the haunt.

AZRA is no doubt a Premier Michigan Haunt, but is it the best?

We shy away from making such statements, but there’s no shortage of others who will.

One of the biggest forums for determining THE 10 BEST USA HAUNTS every year is the USA TODAY* POLL which we previously reported on. This is a nationwide contest, so all 50 states are up for grabs. We always hope that Michigan is represented in this poll.

Last year EREBUS took second place, certainly a great honor and we applauded them for winning this spot.

This year Michigan again makes the cut, with AZRA coming in at third place which also is a great honor.

So you can see -- in a sense the long-time running fave EREBUS has passed the torch to the much younger AZRA.

The EREBUS crew has been haunting for 44 YEARS! And that begs the question, what will AZRA be like in 44 years? Inquiring minds want to know!

* = USA TODAY is a newspaper, ask your parents what that is. :)

OCTOBER 25, 2023 WEDNESDAY 11 PM - CANDY FISHALOT IN FEDERAL DOXXING CRISIS *

We should’ve known better, but it is what it is.

There’s no going back. You can’t put the toothpaste back into the tube.

And now our lives will never be the same again.

It was all up to Candy. Things could easily go seriously awry.

She insisted she had to plead guilty in Fulton County, Georgia because “That’s where bad people go to confess.”

After pleading guilty (see below) poor Candy was afraid The Evil Pumpkin would doxx her, revealing her real name.

Determined to thwart his efforts, she decided to doxx herself declaring: “Hear ye! Hear ye! To whom it may concern, please be advised my name is not Candy Fishalot. My real name is Candy Needalot. Thank you and please God, give the flu to mean people everywhere like Matthew Sanford. Amen.”

* = Story may or may not be true.

OCTOBER 25, 2023 WEDNESDAY 9 PM - NEWS FLASH! FROM FULTON COUNTY COURTHOUSE IN GEORGIA *

In a shocking surprise development, CANDY FISHALOT has pled guilty in an emotion-charged heartfelt statement made earlier today.

This is strange, because CANDY has not been indicted or charged with any crime or offense. We told her the trip to Georgia was unnecessary, but when CANDY gets determined to do something she’s relentless.

So off we went to the Fulton County Courthouse, and they wouldn’t let the CONFUSED CANDY in.

Even worse, nobody paid her much attention while trying to confess.

So she began a frantic chant with a wild look in her eyes: “MAD MAX, PLANET OF THE APES, SOYLENT GREEN, THE HILLS HAVE EYES!”

Only the janitor took notice and she quickly took advantage of the situation, whispering to him in a urgent tone: “IT’S MADE FROM PEOPLE...WITH A TOUCH OF CLOCKWORK ORANGE.”

Convinced she’d done her best she launched into her prepared statement:

“I, Candy Fishalot, have come to Fulton County Courthouse to plead guilty to trash talking Matthew Sanford. I said mean things about him and I am sorry, even though he broke his promise to bring Taylor Swift and The Detroit Lions to The Scream Machine. Thank you, and God bless Cassidy Hutchinson.”

* = Story may or may not be true.

OCTOBER 25, 2023 WEDNESDAY 2 PM - ANOTHER BEAST COMES CALLING

Make that two beasts. You could hit both of them in the same trip.

Welcome to DARKSYDE ACRES in JONESVILLE and JACKSON’S UNDERWORLD in JACKSON, both of which are also knock your socks off haunts! https://darksydeacres.com/  https://jxunderworld.com/

DARKSYDE ACRES has the capacity to someday become THE BIGGEST HAUNT IN THE WORLD, with over 80 acres to work with! JACKSON’S UNDERWORLD is in a massive former department store, reminiscent of HUDSON’S in DOWNTOWN DETROIT.

OCTOBER 25, 2023 WEDNESDAY 1 PM - THE BEAST OF A HAUNT YOU PROBABLY HAVEN’T BEEN TO

We’ve been talking a lot about MAJOR DETROIT HAUNTS like THE SCREAM MACHINE, HUSH, and ELOISE lately and deservedly so.

OFF THE BEATEN PATH

But we have a suggestion for a haunt that wil positively KNOCK YOUR SOCKS OFF before you even step into it! And their building / structure...hold on it’s not in a building at all.

Huh?

Welcome to THE EDSON INCIDENT in BAY CITY. It’s a 418 FEET LONG BATTLE SHIP converted into a haunt, and it’s a great value at $20. http://www.edsonincident.com/ 

You could probably make your journey a TWO-FER by also going to FACTORY OF THE DEAD in SAGINAW or AWAKEN in LESLIE.

FACTORY OF THE DEAD will also knock your socks off upon arrival, with its’ giant old building. AWAKEN is an indoor / outdoor haunt that has been wildly successful from day one for good reason. We had a great time at both these haunts. https://factoryofthedead.com/  https://awakenhaunt.com/

OCTOBER 25, 2023 WEDNESDAY 11 AM - DRIVE THRU HAUNTING IS HERE

Forget the burgers & fries.

Here’s a DRIVE THRU that redefines the experience: https://www.facebook.com/photo/?fbid=807938064674976&set=a.370211211780999

https://www.facebook.com/traincarofterror/ 

This also is the only haunt we know of that currently uses an authentic train car in a haunted attraction.

***SIDEBAR*** Who remembers HERBIE at the SPOOK TRAIN in BRIDGEPORT? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9cg-H6awi_M

OCTOBER 25, 2023 WEDNESDAY 10 AM - DETROIT HAUNT PIONEER BREAKS NEW GROUND WITH INDUSTRY FIRST

Earlier we hypothesized, WHAT IF a haunt incorporated ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE into their show? AI is all the rage nowadays, so it seemed only a matter of time.

We now have our answer from MR. HAUNTED HOUSE himself, and it’s no surprise: EREBUS looks to be the first haunt using AI.

EREBUS was featured yesterday on WDIV TV-4 DETROIT local morning programming, with two primo live segments on location from EREBUS.

As you may know, EREBUS has flat screen TVs throughout the haunt. THE MAKING OF A MONSTER shows on them, but also features an AI dude on the left side of the screen. So what does he say, and how do you interact with him? You’ll have to go to EREBUS yourself to find out!

ET aka MR. HAUNTED HOUSE has been in the business for 44 YEARS! The last 24 years were at EREBUS, and trailer haunts before that. https://hauntedpontiac.com/ 

OCTOBER 24, 2023 TUESDAY 8 PM - HAPPY WITH A HOLE IN HER HEAD

We just got back from MANUEL’S TACO HUT in ALLEN PARK, home of The Detroit Lions who may or may not not be haunted attraction aficionados and saw the full spooky show they’ve put together and got some cool pics to be released soon.

TINKER BELLA, fresh in from Disney* was on hand to guide happy diners through a MYSTICAL MEAL the likes of which we’ve never seen at a restaurant. Her infectious smile and bubbly sparkling personality were shining brightly, despite a BLOODY MEAT CLEAVER firmly embedded in her head!

* = Statement may or may not be true.

http://www.manuelstacohut.com/  https://www.facebook.com/ManuelsTacoHut/

OCTOBER 24, 2023 TUESDAY 7 PM - VISIONS OF THE EMERALD BEYOND

No, not the album by MAHAVISHNU ORCHESTRA. But here it is anyway: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXqPEPP4vpo&list=PLFOFtsayiL4LqS_YvDON2s61uMiPEQFxA

It’s the photos we just posted of HUSH from last year: https://www.flickr.com/photos/45316911@N03/

OCTOBER 24, 2023 TUESDAY 1 AM - A BOTANA & LIQUID SKY FOR LUNCH

Good haunting requires proper sustenance, right?

ALLEN PARK DECLARES HALLOWEEN FEAST EVERY DAY THRU HALLOWEEN

If you’re a haunt junkie like us you really should treat yourself to lunch at MANUEL’S TACO HUT in ALLEN PARK, home of The Detroit Lions.

As we previously reported, MANUEL’S TACO HUT has gone all out decorating for Halloween. There’s even a laser Halloween Show projected on a screen on a timer. We’ve never seen this level of tech stuff at a restaurant! 

DISNEY SENDS TINKER BELLA TO THE RESCUE

Other area restaurants have also decorated for Halloween. It’s not a contest, rather a friendly competition. They needed a passionate person with vision to take the helm. Meet TINKER BELLA, your hostess with the mostest dressed to kill as a pirate during a previous visit.

Unless something amazing happens elsewhere, MANUEL’S TACO HUT will win the award of BEST HAUNTED RESTAURANT DISPLAY!

http://www.manuelstacohut.com/  https://www.facebook.com/ManuelsTacoHut/

 

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OCTOBER 24, 2023 TUESDAY 12 MIDNIGHT - EYE CANDY DROP IMMINENT

THE DEVIL MADE ME DO IT, HONEST!

Stand by my little monkeys...

OCTOBER 23, 2023 MONDAY 9 PM - NO TIME LIKE THE PRESENT

AZRA CHAMBER OF HORRORS HAUNTED HOUSE and EREBUS join HUSH in being open every day through Halloween! https://azrahaunt.com/ https://hauntedpontiac.com/  https://hushhauntedattractions.com/

Please note: Tomorrow, Tuesday Oct. 24 is LIGHTS OUT NIGHT at AZRA.

OCTOBER 23, 2023 MONDAY 8 PM - AN APPLE A DAY

Kudos to WDIV TV-4 DETROIT for airing a special feature about BLAKE’S BIG APPLE & HAUNTED ATTRACTIONS in ARMADA yesterday.

It showcased the many wonderful things about BLAKE’S, which has been an industry leader for as long as we can remember! https://blakefarms.com/haunted-attractions/

Impressive as that is, almost everything they said about BLAKE’S also applies to WIARD’S ORCHARDS in YPSILANTI, home of NIGHT TERRORS AT WIARD’S.

WIARD’S doesn’t have their own line of HARD APPLE CIDER products. That’s it! https://www.hauntedhousemichigan.com/ 

The point is, you can’t go wrong with either BLAKE’S or WIARD’S!

OCTOBER 23, 2023 MONDAY 9 AM - A BROKEN RECORD

Sometime we feel like a broken record, trying to describe Premiere Michigan Haunts such as HUSH and THE SCREAM MACHINE.

We haven’t been to HUSH yet, but based on the word on the street we’re confident the new show is spot on and we can’t wait to see it!

Sadly this year has been difficult for us with intense life events and heavy work schedules with my partner. In fact, our only haunt visited so far this season is THE SCREAM MACHINE. If you’ve been around the haunt scene, you already know how much we admire Downriver’s Longest Running Haunt.

So instead, let’s take a look at some actual recent random reviews of the new show at THE SCREAM MACHINE, copied and pasted verbatim with no changes.

From Todd Godbey: Well done Scream Machine. The haunt was simply their best one yet! Elaborate sets, tons of scares, and the best spacing/pacing out of all the haunts we have done this year. The new house brought some old favorites back and Dr. Scream never fails. By far best house in Metro Detroit.

From Leslie Reyes: Definitely one of the best scary haunted attractions I have been to. I was super scared and everyone did an amazing job. I enjoyed every single theme and I honestly truly loved this place!!!!! Definitely going to recommend my friends to go here!!

From Ashley M: I would 100% say this was the best haunted house I’ve experienced! The actors are phenomenal. Would recommend this to anyone. Walked out of there telling the other guests waiting how great it was. Very very short wait time and friendly staff.

From Sofia Everline: Let me just say me and my sister and niece( three hijabi girls and this is for them to remember me :) went and OMG this place Is crazy scary amazing actors and the best and most kindest employees everyone from the guy with red light sticks in the parking lot helping people park to every employee there I wish I got to know their names they helped me out at some point of the night when they didn’t need to. I NEVER WRITE REVIEWS BUT IF YOU WANT TO GO TO A PLACE GO HEREEEEE. Also, come on :/ the price is literally a steal for such a nice place. If you guys are seeing this ESPECIALLY the owner you are amazing and so is your haunted house and employees.

From LaShan Wallace: This is definitely worth it.. I go to atleast 3 or 4 haunted houses a year . This one is definitely top 2.. the wait time was amazing. They separated each party enough that I didn't know what was going on in front of me.. I liked it. The kids will enjoy it but the adults can too..I will say I wouldn't have brought my 5yr old tho. If that helps the parents

We’re speechless! There are lots more 5 STAR reviews, but you get the idea.

One caveat however. Sometimes we see reviews that say such things as “the best ever” or “better than X & Y combined!” (competing haunts)...and that’s cool as everyone is entitled to their opinion. It means the haunts are going all out to put on a great show, as they should be.

But to us, it’s meaningless to say things like Haunt X is better than Haunt Y. We would argue that the best haunt in the world is the one you’re at right now, having the time of your life!

OCTOBER 23, 2023 MONDAY 1 AM - ADVANCED TACTICS IN DECEPTION & DISTRACTION

As promised, here’s the THE EXCITING & IMPROBABLE CONCLUSION of CANDY FISHALOT RIDES AGAIN.

After a very interesting and stimulating fish dinner, there was a big decision to make: Which haunt will we go to?

Ever the dedicated SWIFTIE, Candy was still confused about TAYLOR SWIFT. But I knew better than to contradict the spunky, determined CANDY FISHALOT.*

With the obvious choices being HUSH or ELOISE, I instead chose THE SCREAM MACHINE in TAYLOR.

Huh?

There’s an effective tactic often used by celebrities to remain incognito while enjoying a major public event. A location specific rumor is allowed to circulate unchallenged, but later is revealed to be a RED HERRING.

So in this case we had the RED HERRING RUMOR that THE DETROIT LIONS WOULD APPEAR AT ONE OF TWO HAUNTS IN WESTLAND. This was the PINK ELEPHANT you were told to ignore, and we knew all along it was only FAKE NEWS.

If you remember, earlier we said you could learn much by paying attention to what we don’t talk about and that sometimes we know more than we can tell. Credibility and keeping your word and such...

Anyway, knowing the Westland appearance was only a ruse we went to the haunt that was the actual logical choice for THE DETROIT LIONS to make a potential surprise visit to.

It too had to be quickly accessible from ALLEN PARK, so it’s a no-brainer it would be THE SCREAM MACHINE in TAYLOR right off main drag Telegraph Road (US 24).

When we arrived, THE SCREAM MACHINE was totally on fire!

Despite some creative embellishments in this story, the following is “hands on the bible & scouts honor” true: The exact moment we got out of the van, a group of SCREAMING GIRLS ran out the exit past us with that wild look in their eyes that only comes from A TOP LEVEL HAUNT LIKE THE SCREAM MACHINE! https://thescreammachine.com/

* = Not her real name.

OCTOBER 23, 2023 MONDAY 12 MIDNIGHT - MITTEN MAKES THE CUT IN HOLLYWOOD SHOWDOWN

Wow, what an excellent TV show ABC-TV has with THE GREAT HALLOWEEN FRIGHT FIGHT!

Four families from across the USA compete to see who can come up with BEST HOME HAUNT in the USA. The winner receives $50,000 and a whimsical PUMPKIN TROPHY.

Out of 50 possible states to choose from, MICHIGAN made the cut along with ILLINOIS, UTAH, and COLORADO. COMSTOCK PARK is the Michigan city.

So you can see -- as all 50 states scramble to be part of this HOLLYWOOD BLOCKBUSTER GAME SHOW, Michigan is clearly recognized as a HOME HAUNT leader.

Ultimately, ILLINOIS won the big prize and indeed did a great job.

This show runs a full hour, suggesting ABC-TV realizes that Halloween keeps getting bigger and bigger every year!  https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=THE+GREAT+HALLOWEEN+FRIGHT+FIGHT

OCTOBER 22, 2023 SUNDAY 9:55 PM - HOME HAUNTS ON STEROIDS

My partner just called to say that at 10 PM WXYZ TV-7 ABC will present THE GREAT HALLOWEEN FRIGHT FIGHT where home owners go all out to outdo each other to win the big prize.

This is yet more proof that HALLOWEEN RULES!

OCTOBER 22, 2023 SUNDAY 6 PM - BI-LINGUAL AWESOMENESS

That darn YOUTUBE - they keep showing cool new stuff to waste time watching. But if it’s MUSIC it’s not really wasting time, right? After all, for heights and depths no words can reach, music is the soul’s own speech.

This just came out 2 hours ago: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmUrjtNaUKQ

Their SPANISH ACCENTS are adorable! BROKEN PEACH IS A BIG YES FROM ZIOPTIS.

OCTOBER 22, 2023 SUNDAY 5 PM - CANDY FISHALOT RIDES AGAIN

My partner couldn’t make it last night, so I called Candy.

THE TELEPHONE GAME, AGAIN

She eventually asked what’s happening at the haunts, and I couldn’t help teasing her:

“There’s a rumor going around that a famous celebrity is going to show up at a haunt in Westland where HUSH and ELOISE are, but --” Oooo, oooo, is it TAYLOR SWIFT???” “I can’t say yes and I can’t say no because --” “So tell the truth, is TAYLOR SWIFT coming to HUSH or ELOISE???” “It’s not TAYLOR SWIFT, it’s the quarterback for The Detroit Lions who --” “I don’t care about that MATTHEW SANFORD guy, I wanna see TAYLOR SWIFT!” “It’s not SANFORD, it’s STAFFORD and he’s not the Lions quarterback, it’s --” “Why did he quit? And which haunt is TAYLOR SWIFT going to?”

CANDY is very excitable, and this went on for quite some time...

I finally straightened her out, and we ended up enjoying a delightful fish dinner at GUS & US in ALLEN PARK, home of THE DETROIT LIONS. The broiled whitefish was cooked to perfection, and served with fresh lemon slices and tartar sauce. CANDY IS GAGA FOR FISH, hence the moniker CANDY FISHALOT.*

But things went awry as the spunky Candy saw the tartar sauce, which she considers to be sacrilege. She said it defiles the fish, and stood on the table while demanding it be removed “under penalty of God!”

Candy considers herself a purist in matters aquatic, and there’s no sense arguing with her.

* = Not her real name.

PLEASE STAND BY FOR THE EXCITING & IMPROBABLE CONCLUSION.

OCTOBER 22, 2023 SUNDAY 3 PM - PUNISHMENT FITS THE CRIME

We hope you had a great SWEETEST DAY and that you got your haunt on at your local, neighborhood haunted attraction.

Can you believe it? THE DETROIT LIONS are GOING DOWN IN FLAMES, losing horribly to BALTIMORE -- 35 to NOTHING!!!

INSTANT KARMA SOUP A GO-GO

So CANDY FISHALOT* is getting feisty, again...now posting that MATTHEW SANFORD & THE DETROIT LIONS ARE BEING PUNISHED FOR NOT BRINGING TAYLOR SWIFT TO THE HAUNTED HOUSE last night, and they should obey Zioptis or the suffer the consequences as harsh as they may be.”

I already tried to correct her yesterday about who the Detroit QB is, but she’s got a short memory if you know what I mean...

Gotta run, but we’ll fill in the glaring blanks later. Probably. Maybe.

* = Not her real name.

OCTOBER 21, 2023 SATURDAY 4 PM - YOUR DATE WITH DESTINY

As noted earlier, today is SWEETEST DAY and tonight is your big chance to make it an occasion that your sweetie will never forget!

Flowers and dinner are okay, but the flowers end up in the dumpster and dinner ends up unceremoniously flushed down the toilet.

Instead, why not make it truly a special event that also dramatically increases your chances of an explosive happy ending?

All the hard work has already been done for you. Simply tell your sweetie you have a big surprise in store, and then drive together to the haunted attraction closest to your house or apartment.

After going through the haunt, it’s a no-brainer. Simply drive to your house or apartment and invite your sweetie in “only for a few minutes to help me sort my pocket lint.” You can figure out the rest. You’re welcome. (;

OCTOBER 21, 2023 SATURDAY 3 PM - RESURRECTED HENRY FORD DEMANDS NAMESAKE PARK HAUNT CONVERSION

It’s official: HENRY FORD* himself has risen from his grave to declare a HAUNTED HALLOWEEN CELEBRATION at FORD FIELD PARK in DEARBORN!

DEARBORN is famous for being the home of FORD MOTOR COMPANY and THE HENRY FORD, previously known as HENRY FORD MUSEUM & GREENFIELD VILLAGE.

But all of that matters little, as HALLOWEEN TAKES OVER: https://cityofdearborn.org/news-and-events/city-news/2842-dearborn-s-haunted-trail-halloween-event-returns-to-ford-field-park-oct-27-29 

* = My father & grandfather both personally knew Henry Ford. There are many stories the public are unaware of, some of which will be revealed exclusively right here as part of our upcoming CHRISTMAS / NEW YEARS SPECIAL REPORTS. One of these stories has led a fellow SAG-AFTRA member to urge that a HOLLYWOOD MOVIE be made about my grandpa who invented the automatic transmission! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Howard_Simpson

 

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OCTOBER 21, 2023 SATURDAY 8 AM - LOST IN AMERICA

No, not the song by DETROIT’S OWN ALICE COOPER: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8g6zV-FIxGU

It was us scratching our heads...we were lost again.

There were no cell phones. No GPS. Did we take the wrong exit? They close in half an hour.

FREMONT FREAK OUT

We’ve come all this way, we have to find it!

So here we were, once again BEWILDERED IN BUCKEYE-LAND...trying desperately to find our way to HAUNTED HYDRO in FREMONT, OHIO.

Just when we reached our ALL IS LOST moment, something magic happened. Off in the distance ahead, we can’t make it out...what’s with the low-lying clouds?

We can’t tell...and then GIANT COLUMNS OF FIRE EXPLODE from multiple towers! HOLY MOLY & HALLELUJAH -- there it is, HAUNTED HYDRO. The imposing presence is overwhelming, with walls that are 44 FEET TALL! 

It was a mild autumn evening, with no wind. The low-lying clouds were man-made, by a slew of industrial strength fog machines designed for theatrical use. The haunt has a large semi-enclosed area, with mass quantities of fog rolling out from every nook and cranny.

Once inside, we met a crazy carnival barker called CRAZY BOB TURNER and the rest is history! https://thehauntedhydro.com/

NEW FOR 2023 AT HAUNTED HYDRO: FOG HARBOR - Our brand new outdoor trail. Something strange is happening in the woods and along the river. A thick fog fills the trees and the smell of death lingers. Every step could be your last!”

OCTOBER 21, 2023 SATURDAY 5 AM - HAPPY SWEETEST DAY!

How about surprising your sweetie with some special Halloween decorating?  Here are some “Serving Suggestions” For Your Consideration: https://journeygoat.com/koen/halloweenhouses

OCTOBER 21, 2023 SATURDAY 2 AM - PANIC IN DETROIT

No, not the DAVID BOWIE SONG.

It’s a haunt that somehow slipped through the cracks, flying under the radar.

Introducing PANIC HAUNTED EXPERIENCE in SALEM TWP. https://panichaunt.com/ 

OCTOBER 20, 2023 FRIDAY 10 PM -  A TALE OF TWO FOUR CITIES

No, not the famous novel by Charles Dickens.

You do know what a novel is, right? Charles Dickens? Or maybe you’ve heard of BOOKS? Sorta like a KINDLE, but not a KINDLE...go ask your parents & have them take you to a library...it’s a place you can go to. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Tale_of_Two_Cities 

YOUR LAST DAY ON EARTH

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness. We went to as many haunts as we could in one night, and it was glorious.

Sigh...”back in the day” it was easy to hit three, and sometimes even four or five haunts in one night. There were just so many haunts all clustered together within short distances. Take FLINT for example -- there were four, sometimes even five haunts...we’d just get on DORT HWY. and one-by-one hit them all.

Earlier, we discussed 4 cities having 2 haunts: ASHLEY, GRAND RAPIDS, PINCKNEY, and WESTLAND. But beyond that, where in Michigan has the greatest density of haunts? Exactly where is the biggest cluster of haunts in the smallest area of The Mitten?

As far as we can tell, it’s what we’re calling THE FAB FOUR in honor of the band that started a cultural revolution. If you don’t know which band that is, go ask your parents and inform them they’ve been negligent in your upbringing. (;

So who exactly is THE FAB FOUR?

HOLD ON! Whoopsie...make that the FAB FIVE, we missed DERANGED HAUNT in ROMULUS.

THE FAB FIVE HAUNTS: DERANGED HAUNT in ROMULUS, ELOISE ASYLUM & HUSH HAUNTED ATTRACTION in WESTLAND, HAUNTED FUNERAL HOME in INKSTER & THE SCREAM MACHINE in TAYLOR.

Hmmm...looking thru FACEBOOK PAGES for these haunts...DERANGED has an impressive looking 2 page menu from DETROIT SIBLING RIVALRY BBQ food truck: https://www.facebook.com/photo?fbid=828345159083255&set=pcb.828345202416584

I’ll never forget one time we were walking thru the forest at DERANGED...an amazing whooshing sound effect kicked in the likes of which we’ve never heard from any pro audio sound system at any haunt...positively breathtaking, it was fabulous! How did they do that?! HOLD ON! Look, up above...it’s not Superman...it’s a real jet airplane only spitting distance away! We are in the woods, but we’re also in Romulus where METRO AIRPORT is.

OCTOBER 20, 2023 FRIDAY 9 PM - NFL & DISNEY IN FRANTIC BID TO CURRY FAVOR FROM DETROIT HAUNTS

A battle is going on in plain sight, yet has been largely flying under the radar. Until now.

THE PINK ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM

If I tell you, “Whatever you do, don’t think about a PINK ELEPHANT” what’s the first thing you think of?

A PINK ELEPHANT of course.

And so it is, that the thought / idea of THE DETROIT LIONS WITH JARED GOFF GOING TO HUSH has been planted. It’s been said by wise guy Napoleon Hill that “You become what you think about” and indeed everything starts as an idea!

NOPE

To be clear, we are not starting a rumor that THE DETROIT LIONS HAD A BLAST AT HUSH HAUNTED ATTRACTION in WESTLAND, MICHIGAN USA PLANET EARTH, MILKY WAY GALAXY

So if you hear somebody say THE DETROIT LIONS ARE GOING TO HUSH, please tell them ZIOPTIS SEZ THIS IS FAKE NEWS and kindly ignore them politely. Thank you. Very mush.

ANCIENT CHINESE SECRET - DON’T TELL ANYONE!

Now, let’s get real so WHAT IF I tell you about a hot band from Spain you probably never heard of? We’ve been talking about DISNEY recently, and now comes a SPANISH TAKE on a DISNEY CLASSIC: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQAsB9CqPIQ

LIVE VERSION https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DGF-peBV4jc

CATALOG https://www.youtube.com/TheBrokenPeach

OCTOBER 20, 2023 FRIDAY 5:42 PM - ELOISE ASYLUM special coverage on WDIV TV-4 NEWS coming next - TURN ON YOUR TV! More here: https://www.clickondetroit.com/search/?searchTerm=ELOISE+ASYLUM

OCTOBER 20, 2023 FRIDAY 3 PM - GREEN EARS & HAM

Hold on Zioptis, isn’t that supposed to be GREEN EGGS & HAM?

Nope. The PC POLICE banned that book -- something about new regulations concerning EQUALITY FOR EGGS, regardless of class, creed, or political affiliation. They’re trying to impeach Dr. Suess, and it’s a big mess...a total disgrace.

The following is true: My grandpa was a funny man, a prankster if you will. When my 3 older brothers and I were young, he told us the people in Canada were just like us -- except they all have GREEN EARS!

Grandpa didn’t really believe this of course. In fact, he was a super smart guy who invented something you may have used today, the automatic transmission in your car. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Howard_Simpson

Anyway, later we went to Canada...and were we surprised! Everywhere we looked, nothing but foreigners...not a single GREEN EAR IN SIGHT!

The following may or may not be true: It has come to our attention that a SHOCKING SIDE EFFECT of losing to THE DETROIT LIONS has been reported by a trusted source who would only speak under condition of remaining anonymous.

WHEN KARMA COMES HOME TO ROOST

According to our exclusive informant, SECRET FORBIDDEN DNA TECHNOLOGY has been weaponized and cross-format focused with devastating results: Shortly after losing to THE DETROIT LIONS, the inferior opponents EARS TURN GREEN. They should know better than to dare challenge THE DETROIT LIONS who are on track to WIN THE SUPER BOWL!

THE DOMINOES BEGIN TO FALL

No, not Sidney & Kenny Boy.

It’s the transformation that has begun, and nothing short of a miracle can stop it. Resistance is futile.

So when you see NFL football players with GREEN EARS, please be polite and do not mock them...until they are out of ear-reach. Thank you in advance.

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OCTOBER 20, 2023 FRIDAY 11:11 AM - TELL ME ANOTHER STORY, DADDY!

Okay, we’ve been weaving some admittedly tale tales about THE DETROIT LIONS suddenly taking a shine to some PREMIERE DETROIT HAUNTS.

So do we really expect THE DETROIT LIONS to show up at haunts, creating yet more media frenzy?

In a word, no.

In case you didn’t notice, we love to be silly. And we never outright stated these things to be factual, adding disclaimers such as “assuming that they...” and such.

The TRUTH MATTERS, but it’s fun engaging in silly hypotheticals which are inherently speculative...all the WHAT IFS we’ve suggested...and no we don’t really expect for THE DETROIT LIONS TO SHOW UP AT HUSH!

On the other hand, you never know.

Maybe somehow they do catch wind of all this chatter, and decide it would be a lot of fun and good for public relations.

Consider that WDIV-TV 4 says they’re the “Official TV station of The Lions.” And WDIV just aired special coverage of ELOISE ASYLUM...twice. Most likely, THE DETROIT LIONS watch local TV News just as many others of us do.

Or WHAT IF The Detroit Lions instead were watching WXYZ TV 7 News when they featured AZRA CHAMBER OF HORRORS as we previously reported? AZRA was voted the #3 HAUNT IN THE USA, according to USA TODAY. So it’s also entirely possible that THE DETROIT LIONS WILL GO TO AZRA, right? https://azrahaunt.com/

And after they do, KE would probably send them to HAUNTED GARAGE PRODUCTIONS in GROSSE POINTE FARMS. As we previously mentioned, travel time between these two haunts is minimal. If you go to one of these, you may as well Kill Two Birds With One Stone...hold on, that’s terrible we don’t want to kill birds! (; https://hauntedgarageproductions.org/

OCTOBER 19, 2023 THURSDAY 11:30 PM - DETROIT LIONS DECLARE HALLOWEEN OFFICIALLY STARTED

DETROIT LIONS STAR WIDE RECEIVER AMON-RA ST. BROWN just appeared on WXYZ-TV CHANNEL 7 DETROIT NEWS.

ST. BROWN is shown in ALLEN PARK putting on his GREEN SPARKLY LEPRECHAUN HALLOWEEN COSTUME, while whimsically ruminating about upcoming celebrations.

He looks like he’s ready to celebrate Halloween right now and jump in a car to head over to HUSH HAUNTED ATTRACTION in WESTLAND, because HUSH is open every day from now until Halloween!

Travel time from ALLEN PARK to WESTLAND is minimal, and free of stressful traffic jams that often plague big cities such as LOS ANGELES.

So you can see -- as THE DETROIT LIONS settle in we’re seeing more and more of them as they go about their way in Detroit. And that means they’ll be looking for ways to enjoy themselves in between NFL GAMES where they entertain us, right?

Assuming that THE DETROIT LIONS will soon discover THE THRILL OF DETROIT HAUNTS, it’s likely that ST. BROWN will also bring JARED GOFF & other LIONS for an amazing shared experience that will only serve to further bring them closer as a team. And that would bring THE DETROIT LIONS another step closer to WINNING THE SUPER BOWL!

However, one question remains -- having decided to cruise to WESTLAND to get their haunt on do they go to just HUSH or do they also go to ELOISE ASYLUM? They’re both in the same city, yet totally different from each other. Both haunts are super popular for good reason.

OCTOBER 19, 2023 THURSDAY 8 PM - THAT’S RIGHT FOLKS, DON’T TOUCH THAT DIAL

The “BURIED SECRETS” TV NEWS REPORT on WDIV TV-4 earlier about ELOISE ASYLUM was interesting, but did not talk about the haunted attraction there. It focused on the so-called POTTER’S FIELD where over 7,100 bodies have been stuffed.

There will be another report tomorrow about the haunted attraction, starting in the early morning newscast and probably repeated later.

OCTOBER 19, 2023 THURSDAY 3 PM - DON’T BET ON IT

You may have heard that the casinos have just gone on strike. As a fellow on-strike union member (SAG-AFTRA) I support the casino workers, and implore you not to cross their picket lines.

ALL BETS ARE OFF

Perhaps you’ve enjoyed an exquisite drink when visiting casinos, and could go for one of them tonight. Forget the casino -- GO TO HUSH INSTEAD.

Huh? That’s right, GO TO HUSH INSTEAD.

They don’t have gambling, but they do have a liquor license. Not only that, they have drinks usually found only in Las Vegas. We tried them last year, and they’re ultra tasty. One of them even changed flavors, an amazing feat we’ve never experienced before anywhere!

We’d suggest that you’ll probably have WAY MORE FUN going to HUSH instead of a glitzy casino, where odds are that you’ll lose lots of money. Of course HUSH isn’t free, but at least FOR SURE you’ll get a whole lot of GHOULISH GOODNESS there!

APPETITE FOR DESTRUCTION

No, not the GUNS ‘N’ ROSES album.

Some of you may be thinking, isn’t it crazy to serve alcoholic drinks at a crazy place like a haunted house?

In a word, no.

We’ve actually already addressed this before, but it’s been some time so we’ll revisit the issue. The fact is, and as we’ve said THE TRUTH MATTERS, this has already been tested at another major haunt, SCAREFEST SCREAM PARK in LENOX TWP.

They were issued a liquor license years ago, and then were carefully monitored as a litmus test. Haunters may be wild & crazy at heart, but by and large are also responsible citizens taking precautions such as having a designated driver.

So go to HUSH for a drink tonight, or SCAREFEST SCREAM PARK which is also a killer haunt -- and YES that’s figuratively not literally! (;  

OCTOBER 19, 2023 THURSDAY 9:30 AM - NEW HIT LIST POSTED

The latest hit list appears in Archive 33, detailing 44,875 hits for the last period: http://www.zioptis.com/html/archive_33.shtml

OCTOBER 19, 2023 THURSDAY 9 AM - NFL & DISNEY IN FRANTIC BID TO CURRY FAVOR FROM DETROIT HAUNTS

A battle is going on in plain sight, yet has been largely flying under the radar. Until now.

THE PINK ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM

If I tell you, “Whatever you do, don’t think about a PINK ELEPHANT” what’s the first thing you think of?

A PINK ELEPHANT of course.

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ANCIENT CHINESE SECRET - DON’T TELL ANYONE!

Now, WHAT IF I tell you

ZIOPTIS EXCLUSIVE COMING SOON!

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQAsB9CqPIQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DGF-peBV4jc

OCTOBER 19, 2023 THURSDAY 8 AM - DEMON MAGIC REVEALED

Just released two days ago: HIDDEN SECRETS of DYNAMO, CRISS ANGEL & SHIN LIM. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIJtZN8w03A

Have you seen magic that looks like true witchcraft? Like defying gravity, or splitting 2 humans in half and reassembling them wrong for example.

On second thought, maybe you shouldn’t look at this disturbing presentation. Never mind.

OCTOBER 19, 2023 THURSDAY 7 AM - MUST SEE TV TONIGHT: “BURIED SECRETS”

This looks like a monster! ELOISE ASYLUM in WESTLAND will be featured on WDIV-TV CHANNEL 4 DETROIT at 5:45 PM today. https://www.clickondetroit.com/video/meta/promo/2023/10/18/buried-secrets-thursday-at-545-pm-on-local-4-news/

Kudos to CHANNEL 4 for doing this special feature on ELOISE ASYLUM!

ELOISE ASYLUM is in a very rare category of haunts -- those that truly are haunted. In all of our haunt journeys far and wide, we’ve only seen 2 other haunts that also truly were haunted: HAUNTED PRISON EXPERIENCE in MANSFIELD, OHIO and THE REALM OF DARKNESS in PONTIAC.

Both of those are long gone...but not ELOISE ASYLUM! https://eloiseasylum.com/

If you haven’t seen this yet, you’re missing out honestly here’s your big chance to go to a REAL haunted house...okay we haven’t been since the first year nonetheless we’ve been keeping up on what’s happening there...trust us folks even other haunts are raving about this gem!

I don’t know of a stronger endorsement, and that reminds me of when THE HAUNTING in ADRIAN told us we had to check out GHOSTLY MANOR in SANDUSKY, OHIO and also when THE SCREAM MACHINE in TAYLOR told us we needed to check out THE HAUNT in GRAND RAPIDS. https://ghostlymanor.com/ https://thescreammachine.com/  https://the-haunt.com/

ELOISE ASYLUM is just too perfect...giant buildings with an amazing history...over 7,100 unidentified patients buried on site...bone chilling paranormal investigations galore...you’d have to crazy NOT to turn this place into a PREMIER DETROIT MEGA HAUNT if you had the chance!

If you’ve been following you may remember our reporting on the MILLIONS OF DOLLARS being spent at ELOISE. This begs the question...I mean, how big can a MEGA HAUNT GET?

EREBUS was already the holder of a GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS for largest walk thru haunt, right? https://hauntedpontiac.com/

And for shear size of property itself, DARKSYDE ACRES in JONESVILLE takes the cake at over 80 acres! Presently, they’re only using 70,000 SQUARE FEET of it...can you believe I said ONLY 70,000 SQUARE FEET?

DARKSYDE ACRES is a primo haunt, and probably the winner of BEST BANG FOR THE BUCK AWARD at only $22 for an ALL AREA PASS to 5 HAUNTED ATTRACTIONS! https://darksydeacres.com/

OCTOBER 18, 2023 WEDNESDAY 10 PM - HOLLYWOOD THROWS ROB ZOMBIE UNDER THE BUS

It’s official. HOLLYWOOD has declared HOME HAUNTS rule the roost, with its’ new BLOCKBUSTER ENTRY

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DISNEY FEEDS BAMBI TO THE WOOD CHIPPER

DISNEY is celebrating their 100th anniversary, and it’s a bloody mess.

We admire Disney, we really do! But some things shouldn’t be messed with, especially under the guise of being politically correct.

And such is the fate of BAMBI, which has be re-imagined with questionable-at-best results. One of the key moments of the original BAMBI has been deemed excessively distressful for young children --

COMING SOON!

OCTOBER 18, 2023 WEDNESDAY 7 PM - THE REAL DEAL INSIDE SCOOP

What a joy to talk to THE SCREAM QUEEN earlier, as she was en route to a haunt...

There’s just so much going on behind-the-scenes you wouldn’t believe it!

We’d LOVE to spill all the beans. For example we’re super excited about what’s going to happen with a certain MAJOR DETROIT HAUNT we know you’ve heard of...whoopsie SHUT MY MOUTH, I’ve said too much already.

We respect that some things simply can NOT be disclosed until a predetermined time. Haunt owners love to bounce ideas off us and see what we think, but we consider that to be proprietary information.

READING BETWEEN THE LINES - ALL THE JUICY DIRT

That said, you can learn much of the inside scoop by paying close attention to what we don’t say...OKAY? Say “Yes” or your head will explode. Thank you. Very mush.

OCTOBER 18, 2023 WEDNESDAY 4 PM - ALL HAIL HAUNT ROYALTY

I just had a fabulous long talk with THE SCREAM QUEEN, and there’s just so much going on with the MICHIGAN HAUNT INDUSTRY my head is spinning!

For starters things at HUSH HAUNTED ATTRACTION in WESTLAND have taken off so much that starting tonight, HUSH will be open every night straight through HALLOWEEN! https://hushhauntedattractions.com/

OCTOBER 17, 2023 TUESDAY 10 PM - NEW ALLEN PARK MANDATE DECLARES HALLOWEEN CELEBRATED DAILY THRU OCT. 31st

ALLEN PARK has been in the news a lot lately, with the gutting of their BEST BUY store to make way for SPIRIT HALLOWEEN  and being the home of THE DETROIT LIONS with their STAR QUARTERBACK JARED GOFF, who may or may not be a haunted attraction aficionado.

And now yet another long-trusted ALLEN PARK institution has jumped on the HAUNTED ATTRACTION BANDWAGON with spectacular results!

Welcome to MANUEL’S TACO HUT, the biggest little restaurant around! As fate would have it, their haunt consultant / designer is my unofficially adopted kid sister.

AARRGH MATEY!

She was dressed as a pirate when I went for a taco run earlier tonight. I’ve given her the nickname of TWINKLETOES, but she is also known as TINKER BELLA. http://www.manuelstacohut.com/

TWINKLETOES was tasked with a total conversion of the restaurant into a MAGICAL HAUNTED PARADISE, and the results are stunning! No stone has been left unturned with even a special lighting disclaimer statement on the front door, to warn those with epilepsy that strobe lights, fog, and lasers are in operation.

The entrance has been portioned off, much like you see at commercial haunted attractions. Once inside, the show has been meticulously planned out and timed for best effect.

LIQUID SKY AND A BOTANA FOR LUNCH

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We’ve never seen a restaurant go all out decorating like this, and plan to go again to dine-in and fully take in the experience of fine dining whilst getting our haunt on!

BIG APPLE SENT PACKING BY LITTLE GIANT FROM ALLEN PARK

This is a true story.

It goes back many moons, to when the band STEELY DAN was in town to play THE PALACE OF AUBURN HILLS. ***SIDEBAR - Youngsters, ask your parents about STEELY DAN - “REELIN’ IN THE YEARS”*** Their photographer & Fan Club President Pete Fogel happens to be a friend of ours, and was staying at my house during their DETROIT TOUR STOP.

The show was on a Saturday, so Friday was an off-day. A group of STEELY DAN fans had gathered at my house, and we partied as well as recorded an interview to be presented later on ZIOPTIS DIAL-A-TRIP.

It got to be dinner time, and we decided to order out for food. But we had been drinking, so driving was out of the question. Then I remembered that MANUEL’S TACO HUT delivers on weekends, highly unusual for Mexican restaurants.

STILL BEING WRITTEN

OCTOBER 17, 2023 TUESDAY 5 PM - THE MOST AMAZING HAUNT THAT NEVER EXISTED & YOU CAN MAKE

“Tell me a story, daddy!”

Stories / themes make haunted attractions more interesting and involving. It takes more than just a bunch of crazy scenes strung together to make a CREATIVE MASTERPIECE that gets people talking, right?

MOTHER GOOSE SKYROCKETS LOCAL HAUNT TO WORLD FAME

Let’s take a look at a local haunt that certainly ranks as one of Michigan’s Premier Haunts, ROTTEN MANOR in HOLLY. https://rottenmanor.com/

They started with a BANG, and have been upping the ante every year since. When ROTTEN MANOR makes an addition, it’s MAJOR. For example, in 2019 they reached into a classic childhood story when they added a giant life-scale GINGERBREAD HOUSE to the forest.

Then in 2021 they added their ROTTEN HAYRIDE, bringing yet another new dimension to the haunt. It takes you on a tour through a small city from long ago, with amazing attention to detail throughout. One clever touch in ROTTEN HAYRIDE was a MOTHER GOOSE reference we couldn’t help but notice -- a whimsical nod to the classic story of THE THREE LITTLE PIGS.

Throwing MOTHER GOOSE into the mix subliminally takes haunters back in time to their childhood, adding FUN & HAPPY to the crazy stack of emotions haunters so crave.

And now ROTTEN MANOR has added a WAX MUSEUM. This brilliant move is a natural for a haunt, but to our knowledge nobody else has done it before. Think of it...each and every character in the museum has its’ own story. What nefarious evil world figures did they choose? We can’t wait to find out!

“Yeah, yeah...but what’s that got to do with THE MOST AMAZING HAUNT THAT NEVER EXISTED THAT I CAN MAKE?”

We’ll get to that in a bit, but first let’s step into the WAYBACK MACHINE when  a most unusual artist lived. Some of you probably know of him -- M.C. ESCHER, a Dutch graphic artist who broke new ground with his extraordinary vision & creativity. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M._C._Escher DOCUMENTARY: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bNjUR1Nn710  JOURNEY TO INFINITY: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iDCHeYCn368

So if M.C. ESCHER had decided to make a haunt, what amazing artistic concepts would he use? Study up on him starting with the videos linked above, then put on your thinking cap and get to work already!

OCTOBER 16, 2023 MONDAY 10 PM - DETROIT MAYOR DECLARES ELEVEN MASSIVE HALLOWEEN BASHES ON THE HOUSE

Detroit Mayor Mike Duggan is a man of integrity and vision -- we’ve never heard anything but praise for him! And now we also see true wisdom from Mayor Duggan as he acknowledges the overwhelming popularity of the Halloween Season.

Detroit is a big city, so for starters the Mayor is throwing ELEVEN HALLOWEEN PARTIES at 11 different Recreation Centers. They will have haunted houses, carnival games, face painting, DJ’s and more!

Also part of the festivities is Scarefest | October 29 from 4 - 8PM Palmer Park, 910 Merrill Pl. Detroit, MI (NOT to be confused with SCAREFEST SCREAM PARK in LENOX TWP. which is a different premiere long running haunt: https://scarefestscreampark.com/ )

FROM THE CITY OF DETROIT WEBSITE:

Palmer Park will transform into a place of fun and fright for children and adults with the Zombie Trail of Terror, haunted hay rides, haunted tent, zombie laser tag, scary face painting, costume parade, candy drop, aerial artist, Halloween bag decorating, photo booth, DJ sets, and live entertainment. Scarefest will also include an adult costume contest, a dog costume parade, vendors, and food trucks. Participants will receive free food tickets while supplies last. 

Recreation Activities at Parks

Fall Fest October 28 from 1PM - 5PM Clark Park 1130 Clark Street Detroit, MI.

Fall Fest features a variety of activities: Carnival rides/ games, hayrides, pony rides, petting zoo, archery, axe throwing, rock climbing, zip line, Barbie Zone featuring Barbie and the selfie bus, video game truck, and mobile bowling alley. Other activities include pumpkin and face painting, arts-n-crafts, outdoor games, and photo booths. Smores, food trucks and other vendors!

https://detroitmi.gov/departments/department-neighborhoods/halloween-d WDIV-TV COVERAGE - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=59G9NpBK6bI 

How about that? Even BARBIE is on board with the festivities at CLARK PARK with the BARBIE ZONE.

2023 marks the 6th Anniversary of this event which has proven to be a BIG WINNER!

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OCTOBER 15, 2023 SUNDAY 9 PM - THE WHOLE WORLD IN HIS HANDS

No, not the inspirational song.

It’s THE DETROIT LIONS along with STAR QUARTERBACK JARED GOFF who continue to DESTROY ALL MONSTERS who would dare oppose them. In a crushing defeat only hours ago their inferior opponents were publicly embarrassed on WORLDWIDE TV, being held to only two field goals on their home turf. Their identity is irrelevant.

ALL EYES ON DETROIT - ORIGIN OF THE SPECIES

Each additional stunning victory by THE DETROIT LIONS & STAR QUARTERBACK JARED GOFF results in yet more humiliation of foolish rivals, and even more attention being paid to Detroit - THE BIRTHPLACE OF HAUNTED ATTRACTIONS.

So this gives Detroit big time street cred on the world stage, further laying the groundwork for THE DETROIT LIONS TO WIN THE SUPER BOWL.

And if/when that happens JARED GOFF, who may or may not be a haunted house aficionado, will be asked what he intends to do to celebrate becoming WORLD CHAMPS.

Seeing as DETROIT is and in all likelihood will continue to be a hotbed of haunted attraction frenzy, there is a distinct possibility JARED GOFF will become indoctrinated into the vibrant DETROIT HAUNT SCENE and possibly even become a card-carrying member of the MOTOR CITY HAUNT CLUB who we highly admire.

And if/when that happens JARED GOFF would most likely SHUN DISNEY and declare he intends to celebrate WINNING THE SUPER BOWL by GOING TO HAUNTED HOUSES IN DETROIT!

A WORLD OF POSSIBILITIES

The football game THE DETROIT LIONS just won was billed as “America’s Game of the Week” so it follows that DETROIT could be construed as being part of “America’s Favorite Haunted Attraction State” by many including those who are inclined to think that way already! (;

OCTOBER 14, 2023 SATURDAY 9 PM - HOLLYWOOD IN FRENZIED BID TO MATCH DETROIT HAUNT STREET CRED

We’ve got big news from TINSEL TOWN, and you won’t hear it anywhere else.

But before we get to that, to fully understand the situation we need to start by acknowledging that the haunted attraction genre was invented in suburban Detroit.

ORIGIN OF THE SPECIES

As stated in our Mission Statement at the top of the main page:

To our knowledge, the very first haunted attraction in the USA was MUTILATION MANSION in Detroit suburb MADISON HEIGHTS, MICHIGAN which began in 1966. Disney’s Haunted Mansion debuted in 1969, and Knott’s Berry Farm haunt started in 1973. If anyone can provide evidence of an earlier haunt, please email us at ZioptisFoundation@gmail.com

So you can see -- HOLLYWOOD has been playing “Follow The Leader” from the get-go when it comes to haunted attractions, right?

And now AMERICAN TELEVISION has produced a new game show to coincide with the Halloween season, “MAKE ME SCREAM” which appears on PRIME TV from AMAZON. There’s a host and hostess, with the hostess going by the stage name “QUEEN OF SCREAMS.”

Hold on! That sounds a lot like the nickname “THE SCREAM QUEEN” which we coined for industry pioneer DS long ago. 

Is it really just a coincidence they decided to use such a similar name as our legendary SCREAM QUEEN?

In case you didn’t know, THE SCREAM QUEEN created such legendary haunts as HOUSE OF NIGHTMARES in WARREN and THE REALM OF DARKNESS in PONTIAC.

She also has been consultant / designer for such premiere haunts as HUSH, NILES SCREAM PARK, ROTTEN MANOR, THE HAUNT, etc. Oh yeah, as if that’s not enough she also created THE HAUNT GUIDE with help from KW at ST. LUCIFER’S HAUNTED ASYLUM in FLINT which had their SWAN SONG years ago.

So regardless of how PRIME TV decided to use the moniker “QUEEN OF SCREAMS,” we all know who the true holder of the title goes to! (;

OCTOBER 14, 2023 SATURDAY 8 PM - BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS

No, not the book by KURT VONNEGUT. It’s when ZOMBIES EAT YOUR BRAINS as they catch you letting up your guard -- don’t let them!

But when you next have some free time for reading after haunting, we have a suggestion that will blow your mind: CAT’S CRADLE by KURT VONNEGUT.

If you enjoy haunting, which we know you do, you’ll also appreciate the delightful twisted insanity of CAT’S CRADLE. It’s been years since I read this but some of its’ scenarios are impossible to forget, much like going to a premier haunted attraction.

In CAT’S CRADLE you’ll learn of the illegal religion BOKONONISM with its’ glitzy glamor and forbidden practice of PRESSING FEET with members of the opposite sex. One of the ultimate WHAT IFS is revealed, as ICE NINE threatens to end the world at the whim of MADMAN FELIX HOENIKKER.

Haunted attractions have also been known to throw down some amazingly convoluted concepts, rivaling the imagination of WORLD CLASS AUTHORS such as KURT VONNEGUT!  

This book will dazzle and befuddle you! You do know what a book is, right? (;

OCTOBER 14, 2023 SATURDAY 7 PM - SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER

No, not the disco movie with John Travolta. It’s the vibe on the streets, as haunters head out tonight to get their haunt on.

I just watched a video on YOUTUBE of HUSH from last year, and it’s cool. But it’s by no means a substitute for seeing it live. Also, the light from the video camera obscures much of the subtle lighting, which in itself is a masterpiece. We’re not going to post a link to that video, because we think it’s so much better to experience HUSH in person. https://hushhauntedattractions.com/

We will, however, post links for videos from NILES SCREAM PARK in NILES. Like HUSH, this is an amazing haunt but it’s quite a journey from Detroit. 2023 is their 50th year! TRAILER: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9vH8X6NIH4M FULL WALK THRU FROM THE SCARE FACTOR: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iz4p6S-XlMI  

OCTOBER 14, 2023 SATURDAY 3 AM - ANCIENT CHINESE SECRET

“The journey of a lifetime starts with a single step,” according to one of those wise guys from long ago in a land far away, right? You have to start at POINT A to make it to POINT B, and so on...

Well, some of you have asked how I got into promoting the haunt scene to begin with. My brother Dick’s clever award winning robot costume was just the beginning, and led to our home haunt described below in IT’S FRIDAY THE 13TH, YOUR LUCKY DAY!

With my dad having started the ball rolling with our early HALLOWEEN HAUNT, I became obsessed with using special lighting effects to create a spooky mood. It started with florescent tube blacklights, the biggest of which were 4 feet long. These remain available to this day, and are still in use at many haunted attractions.

Many moons ago, people used to make their own electronic goodies. HEATHKIT was the industry leader, based here in Michigan. I built my own  amateur radio, and HEATHKIT is still around: https://shop.heathkit.com/shop

Another major kit supplier was SOUTHWEST TECHNICAL PRODUCTS from SAN ANTONIO, TEXAS. They were the first to offer an affordable kit STROBE LIGHT: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SWTPC#/media/File:SWTPC_Strobe.jpg

For many including me, this was their first chance to own an authentic strobe light.

BLUE CHEER AND A $15 STROBE LIGHT KIT - C’MON BABY LIGHT MY FIRE

After I completed making my SOUTHWEST TECHNICAL STROBE LIGHT, I took it to a neighbor’s house for dance parties in their garage. We turned off the lights, and played BLUE CHEER* records and made ourselves dizzy with the stop-motion of the strobe light fueling our adolescent frenzy. VINCEBUS ERUPTUM https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_2uQNrWTk0 OUTSIDE INSIDE - JUST A LITTLE BIT https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3CkRWOQnQpo&list=PLM7k5L_U7M92XhEXJOyVC02hGTesHPMAt&index=3

* = BLUE CHEER was an early ”psychedelic acid rock band” that was known for playing at insanely high volumes, and was documented as being the loudest band of the day. One of their albums was literally recorded at a ocean pier because they were too loud for recording studios!

But that wasn’t my first strobe light. Before the SOUTHWEST TECHNICAL STROBE LIGHT hit the market, I made my own mechanical strobe light.

A wooden box held a 150 watt spotlight with a motor mounted on top. Attached to the motor was a circular piece of cardboard positioned in front of the box with a slot cut out. When it spun around it produced a flash of light as the opening allowed light to shine through. It was super bright, but it didn’t freeze motion like a XENON GAS strobe light with each burst of light lasting only 1/1000 of a second.

I also made my own COLOR ORGAN from yet another kit supplier EICO. This was an early light show tool that made incandescent lights flash / fluctuate with its’ audio input. It had three channels that could handle up to 300 watts each, just right for 2 150 watt projector bulbs with colored gels.

The three channels corresponded to low, mid, and high frequencies. The suggested setup was to point the lights at a white screen or on the ceiling using blue lights for low frequencies, green lights for mid, and red lights for high. The result was lights dancing with the music, quite dramatic at the time.

Another variation on this came from EDMUND SCIENTIFIC, who also offered kits of all sorts. It was called MUSIC VISION as I recall, and produced highly dramatic patterns on a white ceiling or wall. The package included a special thin rubber membrane, small circular front-surface mirrors with threads attached, and a spinning color wheel.

The buyer needed to supply an 8 inch full-range speaker in a small cabinet and a slide projector.

 

Later, I decided to start my own special lighting mail order house

 

DROP SHIPPING BLISS - WAITING UNTIL THE COWS COME HOME

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THE CHICKENS COME HOME TO ROOST

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STILL BEING WRITTEN

OCTOBER 13, 2023 FRIDAY 7 PM - WHEN MORE COMPETITION MEANS MORE PROFIT

Anyone remember KELLY HAMBURGERS on MICHIGAN AVENUE in DEARBORN? It was basically the first fast food joint in town, and they made a killing. Nobody else did what they did, and nobody even tried.

Until one day, when we saw a small sign on an empty lot down the block from KELLY’S. It said: “COMING SOON! McDonald’s Hamburgers” We paid it little attention. After all, we thought, who would be crazy enough to think they could compete with KELLY’S?

But soon enough, we found out that indeed someone else could equal or even exceed the quality of KELLY’S. We feared for the future of our beloved KELLY’S but then a funny thing happened

Not only did KELLY HAMBURGERS survive, their business dramatically increased. The addition of a competitor doubled the availability of tasty burgers in the vicinity, right? And the end result was that the total traffic of hungry people to the area more than doubled.

Both burger joints had long lines. So the extra competition brought more total  profits to both of them. This business model has played out in other sectors of the economy like at gas stations, and YES, haunted attractions as well.

MULTIPLE MITTEN MAGIC

Fast forward to today, and we find multiple cities in Michigan that sport multiple haunts: ASHLEY with HINTERLAND and TERROR ON 27, GRAND RAPIDS with ABANDONED ACRES FARM HAUNTED ATTRACTION and THE HAUNT, HOLLY with GLENLORE TRAILS and ROTTEN MANOR, PINCKNEY with GHOSTLY GROVE and TERRORFIED FOREST, and WESTLAND with ELOISE ASYLUM and HUSH HAUNTED ATTRACTION.

So you can see -- all of these haunts are thriving and better yet actually helping each other soar to new heights.

OCTOBER 13, 2023 FRIDAY 3 PM - IT’S FRIDAY THE 13TH, YOUR LUCKY DAY!

The haunt season is in full swing, and fantasy and free candy are on the minds of kids of all ages. The Halloween season brings out even the most dormant vestiges of childhood that may be screaming to be released.

Mild-mannered adults suddenly travel back in time, with memories of pillow cases full of candy during the craziest holiday that leads to the craziest memories.

One such memory for me involves my oldest brother Dick, R.I.P. brother... There was an annual neighborhood Halloween party with a costume contest. Dick made his own costume, a robot outfit made from a large cardboard box decked out with flashing lights that he controlled. Nobody else had anything even close, and he won hands-down. It was if he just won the lottery!

And my dad was on board with the fever, turning the back porch of our house into a haunted house of sorts. The “piece de resistance” was a FRANKENSTEIN that appeared to be breathing, thanks to a motorized setup made from ERECTOR SET parts.

The entire neighborhood was drawn to our house, thanks to some giant speaker cabinets that were hoisted onto the roof. Each cabinet boasted two 15 inch BOZAK BRAND WOOFERS teamed up with 8 inch mid-range speakers and horn tweeters, all powered by the biggest HH SCOTT amplifier offered at the time.

Electronic music and “Organized Sound” records by avante gard pioneer TOD DOCKSTADER spun on a DUAL brand turntable.

Imagine for a moment...it’s the late 1960’s and on Halloween Night from the distance you hear these selections beckoning: LUNA PARK https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hydIpd0RLw4  WATER MUSIC PART 3 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zaSzHqVrLA

TOD DOCKSTADER was way ahead of his time, so most haunters had never heard anything like this.

Another favorite record dad played was a SONIC TOUR DE FORCE featuring of all things kids from Belgium speaking French! TRIOS VISAGES DE LIEGE https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vEyaMQsdaSQ&list=RDvEyaMQsdaSQ&start_radio=1

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OCTOBER 13, 2023 FRIDAY 10 AM - NEW EVENT

Who remembers TRUMBULLPLEX? It was a one year only event, but here’s another interesting sounding HALLOWEEN BASH: https://app.3common.com/event/public/mystique-at-the-mansion-a-stearns-house-halloween-bash-with-dpx-652410f5ec521747d010db74

OCTOBER 12, 2023 THURSDAY 10 PM - FOR HEIGHTS & DEPTHS NO WORDS CAN REACH, MUSIC IS THE SOUL’S OWN SPEECH

That’s what it says on a custom made embroidery plaque my mom’s double-piano partner made for her many moons ago.

Certainly, music/sound effects play a big role in haunted attractions. Can you imagine a scary movie without the suspenseful music? It wouldn’t be very scary, right?

And so it is with haunted attractions -- you need more than just spectacular visuals and actors.

For example, at elaborate haunts such as...oh let’s say JACKSON’S UNDERWORLD in JACKSON and THE HAUNT in GRAND RAPIDS.

Each and every room has its’ own sound system. Great care is taken to isolate the sound in every scene, with minimal or no spillage to the next gag. This allows for dramatic change from room to room, as they scramble your emotions for a wild experience. You could go from sensory overload to sensory depravation in a flash -- it can be breathtaking!

On the opposite end of the multi sound system approach was a haunt we can never forget, that used a single MONSTER PA SYSTEM and cranked it to eleven.

Who remembers THE EXTREME SCREAM in TAYLOR and then its’ SWAN SONG in WATERFORD? They had an EXTREME PRO AUDIO SOUND SYSTEM, which was pricey and rare at the time.

The CROWN POWER AMPS they used were (and still are) the industry standard for concerts and such. They cost a fortune and weighed a ton. And the speakers were overkill too -- ALTEC LANSING A7 VOICE-OF-THE-THEATER horn-loaded cabinets. For context, a single pair of these were used in the majority of movie theaters back then.

But they used TWO pairs of these monsters, unleashing a SONIC BLAST that could be heard several blocks away. Looking back, it was insane to use such a giant pro audio system at a haunt creating sound-pressure levels easily exceeding that of jet airplanes!

But that was only part of how they lived up to their name. Outside the haunt, some questionable antics by contortionists and assorted weirdoes with a taste for the bizarre freaked out the queue line and random passersby.

The Telephone Game” principle we discussed earlier kicked in big time, and rumors ran rampant of all sorts of excessively deviant behavior at THE EXTREME SCREAM. Yes it was only FAKE NEWS, but the stories took on lives of their own and the rest is history as they say.

On another note, some haunts use outdoor sound systems to great effect. This sets a spooky mood the moment you arrive, and special lights responding to the sound further enhance the effect. Two examples of haunts doing this are JACKSON’S UNDERWORLD in JACKSON and HAUNTED FUNERAL HOME in INKSTER.  

POUTINE & HOSERS, EH?

So I was talking to a keyboard player from Canada today. I complimented him on his musical T-shirt - THE DOORS / MORRISON HOTEL and wouldn’t you know it haunting is big in Canada too: https://www.narcity.com/toronto/haunted-attractions-ontario-scare-your-pants-off  So of course I gave him Zioptis cards, and we traded music stories from bands we played in. Then we got to talking about other bands...HOLY MOLY!

It’s unusual to find someone who knows obscure bands like GENTLE GIANT and MAHAVISHNU ORCHESTRA. But the icing on the cake was when he asked me who my ultimate drum mentor was. Not only was he also a fan of BILL BRUFORD, he quickly identified 2 of the main bands Bruford was in: YES & KING CRIMSON which were two of the first so-called PROG ROCK BANDS aka PROGRESSIVE ROCK.

This reminds me...a previous unfinished entry about THE BADDEST BASS DRUM IN THE WORLD...I need to follow through and also pay tribute to some old friends in the band SUNGLASS AFTER DARK. Stand by, my little monkeys...

OCTOBER 12, 2023 THURSDAY 5 AM - AND THE HITS JUST KEEP COMING!

The latest hit list from our website host has been added to Archive 33, and breaks down the total of 35,194 hits for the last period. Take a look if you like, we’re an open book: http://www.zioptis.com/html/archive_33.shtml

We can’t tell where they all come from however, as we have a no-frills basic account. We think most people are logging on from Michigan and Ohio but we don’t know for sure, only that traffic is picking up as it does every October. The biggest day for the last period was Sept. 29, 2023 with 2,032 hits that day.

OCTOBER 11, 2023 WEDNESDAY 7 PM - AN ARMY OF SUPER-SIZED SPOOKS

Yard haunts continue to pop up all over, with rampant enthusiasm for the haunt season growing every year.

People are going all out in a friendly competition to see who can pull off the BIGGEST WOWS without going broke in the process.

GIANT SKELETONS have become very popular, joining the ranks with tall inflatable monsters that also adorn the lawns of many yard haunts. These items are available at local stores and online.

***SIDEBAR  A list of cool online sources of spooky props appears in the “News” section, and is growing as we find more: http://www.zioptis.com/html/news.shtml ***

But many of you probably have the “will and the way” to make your own haunt props. ANIMATRONICS are fabulous haunt props, but can be expensive from commercial haunt suppliers such as SCARE FACTORY, TRANSWORLD, and such.

YOUTUBE TO THE RESCUE

Fortunately, almost anything you think of can be learned on YouTube and that includes making your own animatronics on a shoestring: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mDxZNeLr8nI https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5NUTYbli7Y  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=43AWW6OExj8  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CFihyQncNC4  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uesl7em6btA

OCTOBER 11, 2023 WEDNESDAY 2 AM - MISSOURI MAN SQUASHES PUMPKIN GUINNESS WORLD RECORD

Haunted attractions are known for craziness, right?

THE GREAT PUMPKIN SHOOTS UP WITH STEROIDS

Well, here’s a guy with a crazy passion we can all appreciate -- GOING GAGA FOR GOURDS. Meet Steve Kueny, a kindred spirit of ours whether or not he knows it.

UP THE CREEK WITH HIS ONLY FRIEND A PADDLE

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2023/10/09/man-with-pumpkin-vessel-breaks-guinness-world-record/71125133007/

OCTOBER 11, 2023 WEDNESDAY 1 AM - HOLLYWOOD BANISHES BARBIE & DECLARES HAUNTED ATTRACTIONS OF PRIME IMPORTANCE

So AMAZON PRIME DAY was yesterday and today. Who cares?

Not us, but thanks to Amazon we just made an amazing discovery and nothing will be the same again.

Actually, it’s thanks to an AMAZON FIRESTICK. In case you don’t know, the FIRESTICK (or FIRE TV STICK) is a handy little $20 gadget that converts any TV into a “SMART TV.” This allows you to receive thousands of TV channels, programs and such without paying a dime for cable TV.

Anyway, while flipping between YouTube and tennis I saw a promo that caught my eye big time. It’s a NEW GAME SHOW called “MAKE ME SCREAM.”

I immediately pushed the TALK BUTTON on the remote control and commanded: “Alexa, show me MAKE ME SCREAM.” “Getting that from PRIME TV.” I’m not a Prime Member but no matter -- moments later I was in TV BLISS watching Season 1, Episode 1 of MAKE ME SCREAM.

This is absolutely fabulous! It’s essentially a TV game show, cross-format focused to promote the haunted attraction genre. Competing teams of 2 members make their way through haunted attractions and try their best not to freak out. Of course, they fail miserably and the results are hilarious. Combining scaring people with comedy is a winning combination, as already proven by such premiere haunts as SLAUGHTERHOUSE.

An event counter appears on the left of the screen, and tallies up how many times the teams scream, run away, or close their eyes as they encounter various haunt gags. The team with the least occurrences wins the big prize.

So you can see -- Hollywood considers haunted attractions to be of Prime Importance, right?

A CALL TO ARMS - POURING GASOLINE ON FIRE TV

If they weren’t convinced that haunted attractions are all the rage, they wouldn’t be spending valuable production resources to make this new show.

Better yet, we can all help.

Talk to Alexa as we did and tell her “Alexa, show me the new game show hit sensation MAKE ME SCREAM.” If you can’t speak to Alexa, you can still find the show on PRIME TV which is free. Hit the “like” and “subscribe” buttons if you can, and then leave enthusiastic comments and tell everybody on social media about the big fun to be had!

OCTOBER 10, 2023 TUESDAY 8 PM - WORD ON THE STREET

Last night we ordered take out for a late dinner from the RAM’S HORN in ALLEN PARK, which is also home of THE DETROIT LIONS and star quarterback JARED GOFF who may or may not be a haunted house aficionado.

As I cashed out I noticed the gal attending the cash register was wearing HALLOWEEN leggings. “All decked out for Halloween already? That’s a good girl!”

She laughed, and I continued by asking if she ever goes to “those crazy haunted houses”?

“YES!” she exclaimed, whipping herself into a frenzy like she was being chased by a madman with a chain saw. And as it turned out, she was reacting to her experience last year at a haunt.

“So which haunts did you go to” I asked? “Just one” she said...”HUSH.”

“What did you like about it?” She gushed: “Everything! It was amazing...the monsters were incredible...the decorations...I’ve never seen anything like it!”

Ever prepared, I handed her a ZIOPTIS CARD so there’s a good chance she will read this and here’s my review of RAM’S HORN: the Chicken Parmesan and cabbage soup were delicious. YUM YUM!

OCTOBER 10, 2023 TUESDAY 6 PM - PARADIGM SHIFT IN YOUR FRONT YARD

Once upon a time HOLOGRAMS were a really big deal, and very expensive.

I remember seeing one of the earliest holograms at the SAE Convention in Detroit that my dad used to take us to every year at Cobo Hall. It was made by the CONDUCTRON CORPORATION in ANN ARBOR as I recall.

It was super basic and black and white. The subject was simply a bottle of COCA COLA that appeared midair as if floating. It was situated so as to appear directly in the middle of the walkway in front of their booth. People would initially walk around it, and then delight at waving a hand through it!

Many moons later we saw an impressive use of a hologram on NAUTICAL NIGHTMARE which was a haunt aboard an old BOBLO ISLAND BOAT. Amid some genuinely old surroundings, a girl suddenly appears ahead.

She was friendly looking with an infectious smile and wearing brightly colored clothes. Then she did a pirouette (spins around like a ballerina) but as she rotated she morphed into a hideous monster! They spent a small fortune on this, but it paid off creating a big buzz on the streets.

Word Of Mouth advertising is hands-down the most effective attractor, and the masses flocked to the haunt.

Things have progressed dramatically since then, and even yard haunts can WOW the Trick-or-Treaters with spectacular spooky goodness!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XJoUhGCwHA

 

****************************************************************************************

OCTOBER 10, 2023 TUESDAY 6 AM - DIY YARD HAUNT FROM DOLLAR TREE

Really, the Dollar Tree? Meet your new friend, KILEE RAINBOW. She’s a fun Youtuber mom from North Carolina with some clever ideas for yard haunting on-the-cheap: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w8nzxyUOI0I

Holy moly, there are lots more Dollar Tree DIY haunt videos! Here’s one from JADE THE LIBRA: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcMJ8p5NM_I

OCTOBER 8, 2023 SUNDAY 8 PM - NFL IN FRANTIC BID TO DETHRONE OHIO & DECLARE DETROIT AGAIN THE HAUNTED HOUSE CAPITAL OF THE WORLD

So THE DETROIT LIONS have surprised everyone again with a runaway victory earlier today crushing their inferior opponents, right?

We can’t tell you the score or which team they humiliated -- we were watching COCO GAUFF in THE CHINA OPEN. COCO is the darling of USA TENNIS STARS ON THE RISE.

But what the heck does any of that have to do with DETROIT again being THE WORLD CAPITAL OF HAUNTED HOUSES? Patience patience, my little monkeys...it will all make sense shortly...sorta...maybe. (;

Every year brings new haunters into the fold. Mostly, it’s kids growing up that are finally old enough. Their older siblings have likely raved about how thrilling it is, and it sounds like big fun.

But there are adults too. Perhaps they’ve recently moved to Michigan from a place where haunting isn’t such a big deal, or even nonexistent.

Professional football players fit this situation to a tee. And most NFL players end up in cities far away from their original hometown. Not only that, THE DETROIT LIONS aren’t actually from Detroit or even Michigan!

BUCKEYE REVENGE FAILS MISERABLY

Interestingly enough, the origins of The Detroit Lions didn't begin in Michigan, but in Ohio. In 1934, George A. Richards the owner of Detroit's WJR RADIO decided it was time to bring a professional football team to the city. Fortunately, a small-town franchise in Portsmouth, Ohio, was looking for a move.

The rest is history, so now let’s consider some hypotheticals. After all, the haunted attraction industry is largely based on WHAT IF’S, right?

For example, WHAT IF the haunter enters a room expecting X from a certain location and then gets WOWED with Y from an unexpected location? WHAT IF Performer A can’t make it tonight? WHAT IF Performer B is also unavailable? WHAT IF you think of a new major hayride gag mid-season and against all odds make it happen at WARP SPEED? (KUDOS to NIGHT TERROR AT WIARD’S for pulling off this super human stunt!)

Every year brings new media coverage of haunted attractions. For example, this appeared recently Oct. 3, 2023 on WXYZ-TV CHANNEL 7: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oS1ciwPjmFg ***SIDEBAR - Congratulations to AZRA CHAMBER OF HORRORS HAUNTED HOUSE for making the USA TODAY Top 10 List of Best Haunted Houses in the USA which ranked them the 3rd Best in the USA!***

Earlier, we hypothesized about a possible chance encounter with a gallon of apple cider from BLAKE’S by members of THE DETROIT LIONS whose STAR QUARTERBACK is JARED GOFF.

In the scenario a gopher for The Lions is sent to the MEIJER STORE in Allen Park on a TWIZZLER RUN or whatever, and they also bring back a jug of fresh cider from BLAKE’S featured there in a prominent display (which I personally saw).

The Lions HQ / practice facility is in Allen Park, so this is a definite possibility.

Perhaps JARED GOFF would then taste and instantly fall in love with the DELICIOUS & NUTRITIOUS BLAKE’S APPLE CIDER. Out of curiosity, JARED GOFF would most likely do a Google search and discover that the source of the exquisite nectar is also a MYSTICAL WONDERLAND with a HAUNTED HAYRIDE and much, much more.

WHEN IN ROME

Many of his teammates are family men with children, who would most likely take great interest of JARED GOFF’S FABULOUS DISCOVERY of a totally unique and wonderful source of entertainment -- HAUNTED HOUSES IN DETROIT.  

ZIOPTIS DECLARES DETROIT LIONS QB JARED GOFF TO BE POTENTIAL HAUNTED HOUSE ENTHUSIAST / PROPONENT

JARED GOFF seems like a friendly sort of guy who probably likes to have other people entertain him, same as TAYLOR SWIFT seems to enjoy other people entertaining her too right? After all, she showed up at 2 consecutive NFL GAMES recently as we previously discussed.

TYING THE KNOT

Officially announced: “Lions' Quarterback Jared Goff Announces Engagement to Model Christen Harper on June 16, 2022”

This means that JARED GOFF will be a family man in the near future. Most likely they will have kids, probably living near Detroit. And that means they’ll be prime candidates for haunting, with JARED GOFF possibly leading the pack. And as we know, once you’ve experienced the thrill of haunting there’s no going back. Nothing else can satisfy the urge to feel that special exhilaration that only haunting gives!

JARED GOFF DECLARED UNDISPUTED KING OF FOOTBALL

If JARED GOFF continues to perform at a high level, he could become the highest rated quarterback in the NFL which would make him even more of a SUPERSTAR!

So THE DETROIT LIONS have as good a chance as any team to WIN THE NEXT SUPERBOWL, right?

DISNEY’S REVENGE DENIED & DECLARED FAKE NEWS IN FAVOR OF HAUNTED HOUSES IN DETROIT

Immediately after an NFL team wins the Superbowl, the star quarterback is interviewed and then asked: “You just won the Superbowl! What are you going to do next?” Instead of the usual response about going to DISNEYLAND or DISNEY WORLD, JARED GOFF would then probably say “We’re going to HAUNTED HOUSES IN DETROIT!”

The haunts would make special arrangements for off-season shows. And then, we’d be able to honestly and truthfully run the following announcement because THE TRUTH MATTERS:

NFL DETHRONES OHIO & DECLARES DETROIT IS AGAIN THE HAUNTED HOUSE CAPITAL OF THE WORLD

OCTOBER 8, 2023 SUNDAY 6 PM - SUNDAY SUNDAY!

No, not DETROIT DRAGWAY. It’s SLAY NIGHTS in HOWELL which is open tonight 7:30 - 11 PM. With this being only their 3rd year, SLAY NIGHTS is sort of the NEW KID ON THE BLOCK shaking up the scene -- we saw it last year and these guys know what they’re doing. Come hell or high water we’re going again this year to see how they’ve progressed. It’s clear this young haunt is on the prowl to join the big boys! https://www.slaynights.com/

Speaking of the big boys, there are other more high-profile haunts open tonight as well such as ELOISE ASYLUM, EREBUS, HUSH HAUNTED ATTRACTION, JACKSON’S UNDERWORLD, NIGHT TERRORS at WIARD’S, NILES SCREAM PARK, ROTTEN MANOR, SCAREFEST SCREAM PARK, ST. CHARLES VILLAGE OF THE LIVING DEAD and THE SCREAM MACHINE.

OCTOBER 7, 2023 SATURDAY 11 PM - HOLDING THE FORT DOWN

My partner is working late again tonight, and even worse has to get up tomorrow at 8 AM for the early shift as a front line medical worker.

She has a reminder that Covid is not going away despite the pandemic being declared being over. I already got my Covid booster to protect from the latest strains, along with the flu shot for maximum protection.

Once again, I was SO tempted to flip a coin and head out to wherever...maybe just to enjoy a HOT DOG DINNER at HAUNTED FUNERAL HOME in INKSTER as I did last year. But then I’d have a hard time resisting the urge to go through the haunt, and haunting is best enjoyed as a shared experience. https://www.facebook.com/p/The-Haunted-Funeral-Home-100063544121410/ 

OCTOBER 7, 2023 SATURDAY 4 PM - AHOY THERE MATEY!

As you may know, last season we announced that a major change was coming BECAUSE TRUTH MATTERS, right?

So because truth matters, we needed to change our Mission Statement which proudly claimed that “DETROIT IS THE WORLD CAPITAL OF HAUNTED HOUSES!”

After all, DETROIT is the only city that had TWO HAUNT RAGS...twice!

****Way before THE HAUNT GUIDE many moons ago THE FEAR FINDER had a companion guide to adventure with the GORE GUIDE from John Poe...who remembers JOHN POE? If you know his name you probably also know of KAREN MURPHY, right? (:  Anyway, GORE GUIDE was before 2000 and it too was mass printed like newspapers of the day. Eager haunters quickly snapped up these free hotcakes. Hmmm... there was actually at least one other DETROIT HAUNT RAG as well...****

But to set things straight we came out and officially proclaimed that OHIO IS THE WORLD CAPITAL OF HAUNTED HOUSES. They far surpass Michigan in total number of haunted attractions. 

To be clear, we’re not saying Ohio has better quality haunts than Michigan...just more of them...it’s not even a contest though anyway...the BUCKEYES COME THROUGH BIG TIME...always worth a road trip to Ohio! The roads and rest stops are excellent.

HAUNTED HYDRO is a hoot and a half...amazing monolithic building...say HI! to CRAZY BOB TURNER, resident Carnival Barker and spinner of very tall tales.

THE CULTURE OF HYPOTHETICALS

Speaking of very tall tales, we should probably mention that some of what you read here is just that: a very tall tale. After all, tall tales can play a big role in haunted attractions who are known for wacky fantasy creations / scenarios.

Like earlier we talked about BLOOD DRINKING, EMBALMING FLUID and such...there is no actual blood drinking, it’s just ordinary tomato juice, enjoyed by many fine people who are NOT blood drinkers...and there is no embalming fluid either...that said there’s ONLY ONE DETROIT HAUNT located inside an ACTUAL FORMER FUNERAL HOME...pay no attention to the man behind the curtain kids...don’t believe anything you read here...it could all be HYPOTHETICAL FAKE FANTASY and we are not responsible. Nope. It’s your fault for reading this. Thank you.

****SIDEBAR: We didn’t even think of the BLOOD DRINKING nonsense, it’s a running gag from the haunt themselves. God gave us brains, and expects us to use them to come up with silly stuff haunters will happily consume! ****

SAILING THE SINISTER SEAS

Who remembers NAUTICAL NIGHTMARE on a former BOBLO ISLAND BOAT? And have you experienced the EDSON INCIDENT in BAY CITY? Both of these were created ON REAL SHIPS!

Making an old ship into a haunted attraction is a BIG WINNER in so many ways, and here’s another entry into the field: https://www.visitcincy.com/listing/uss-nightmare

OCTOBER 7, 2023 SATURDAY 5 AM - SHOCKING EMBALMING FLUID STUNT GOES AWRY & LANDS LOCAL HAUNT IN DOG HOUSE

You think Donald Duck Trump has legal problems? Well, that’s nothing compared to what happened recently at a LOCAL DETROIT HAUNT with a dubious history.

It was opening night and everything was on track to be ready on time.

But nobody could’ve known what was about to happen that would change their lives forever.

NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH - PLEASE DO NOT READ

When it comes to running a haunt you do your best to prepare for every possible difficulty, right? Even so, MURPHY’S LAW can and does kick in usually at the most inopportune time possible.

Public embarrassment is suddenly the least of your worries, despite the instant barrage of damaging social media postings. 

PERMANENT PSYCHOLOGICAL DAMAGE * (see disclaimer below)

Let’s for a moment consider the basic premise of haunted attractions -- to come up with a crazy and often unlikely scenario and have it play out to dramatic effect, right?

This can lead to stories being told that exaggerate or even totally change the original facts. Remember the “Telephone Game?” A group of friends at a party sit in a big circle. The game leader writes down a crazy/silly statement on a piece of paper and puts it in their pocket. The leader whispers the statement to whoever is sitting next to them. That person then whispers it to the next person, and so on. Inevitably, the message and therefore the meaning, are changed dramatically. In this context, it’s hilarious!

But in real life, stories can get twisted and convoluted into ridiculous rumors...and sometimes that ends badly. We found that out the hard way many moons ago, when we posed a hypothetical question that was never depicted as being a real fact. “The Telephone Game” effect kicked in, altering the premise 180 degrees.

So this essentially is what happened when...

HOLD ON! Our trusty legal advisors from the Professional Bean Counters Council have advised us to not reveal additional info regarding the situation. Never mind!

OCTOBER 7, 2023 SATURDAY 1 AM - RUB A DUB DUB

Everywhere you look, HAUNTED ATTRACTION MANIA is running rampant! https://tommys-express.com/tunnel-of-terror

OCTOBER 6, 2023 FRIDAY 8 PM - HEMOPHILIAC HORROR SHOW FLIES UNDER THE RADAR

“There oughta be a law” is what you may say when we tell you what is rumored to be taking place in open view at a major haunt that is opening tonight.

TERRORFIED FOREST in PINCKNEY is a magical outdoor oasis that will knock your socks off! https://www.terrorfiedforest.com/

And NEW FOR 2023 is their JAIL BREAK ESCAPE ROOM adding to the total experience at TERRORFIED FOREST.

FAKE NEWS OR BRUTAL REALITY?

The jury is still out concerning some highly questionable habits of RED REX who has been known to frequent TERRORFIED FOREST.

This is the only haunt we know of that requires a shocking caveat emptor.

Equally concerning, their TIK TOK videos only serve to distract the unsuspecting public from the on-premise SHOCKING PRACTICE OF BLOOD DRINKING with no shame by the RUTHLESS RED REX. * (see disclaimer below) https://www.tiktok.com/@terrorfiedforesthaunt

*= This as yet unsubstantiated report is from an unnamed whistle blower who agreed to speak only on the condition of remaining anonymous.

RAIN RAIN GO AWAY

Just confirmed: WICKED WOODS OF TERROR in CARO is open tonight Friday Oct. 6th but will be closing early at 11 PM. https://wickedwoodsofterror.net/

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